decisions and revelations

clearly, i am faced with a very difficult decision: to leave grad school or to stay? and if a go, what career to pursue? that in and of itself is challenging. but what complicates the matter, is the fact that i am quite incapable of making a decision and sticking to it. lisa and i visited this idea today, and i think the answer to my "problem" lies in the reasons why i am having such a hard time choosing between many options.

i like trends. i like to simplify. i like to identify patterns, similarities, and make analogies. break down big decisions by looking at how i make little ones. for example, i'll say to myself "i'm going to go out less, to save money, drink less, be healthier." and then i find myself getting sucked into going out on a monday night. conclusion: i am very impulsive. and i like that. i like being compulsive. i like saying, "let's go to a bar" even though it's 3:15 on a saturday afternoon and we have to be back at the team meeting in 15 minutes. it's fun. it's alive.

i haven't always been impulsive. i was very meticulous and disciplined in high school, through ~sophomore year in college (interestingly, right around the time that i began compulsive over-eating). i started drinking, playing a lot of frisbee, and being more and more spontaneous. in general, i was less averse to having fun, rather than working hard all the time.

perhaps related to this observation, is a thought i had the other day. i wondered if my whole life i was doing things for other people -- to please my parents, impress my community, earn the admiration of teachers -- and that part of my struggle has been letting myself do what i want. has my eating disorder been nothing more than my effort to force myself to adhere to my self-imposed standards of perfection, and my subsequent means of punishing myself for failing to meet them? regardless, it was a major revelation for me today to finally learn and accept that i can do what i want -- what makes me happy -- and still be loved, by my parents, by my friends, by my mentors, by anyone.

i'm not sure what this means in terms of the decision that faces me. should i be impulsive and quit grad school? one thing is for sure, though. i do need to figure out what *i* want to do, for me. i know now that doing things because i think other people want me to is a recipe for disaster.

for me and no one else...

faith

a good friend told me tonight that he doesn't worry too much about the future -- he just has faith that things are going to work out. faith. what a novel concept. it's something i think i generally lack, in both the secular and religious sense. how great it must be to have faith, to be calmly sure that things will be OK. and the thing is, when i stop and think about it, i know things will be OK for me, no matter what happens, no matter what route i choose. but yet i still worry.

good movie

moonlight mile
(with jake gyllenhaal, susan sarandon, dustin hoffman, ellen pompeo)

uncertainty

what am i most afraid of? i don't think i'm afraid of dying. and i don't think i'm afraid of failure. no, what really gets to me is uncertainty: not being sure of what is to come, if what i'm doing is the right thing.

******

what a difference a week makes...two weeks ago, i was certain i was going to quit grad school (again, but for sure this time, really). the next day i started getting excited about med school. a week later i was sure i wanted to go to med school. now, after talking with jess on thursday and jonathan on friday, i am convinced i can do this, i can win the battle vs. grad school.

i guess it comes down to what i want. what i want to get out of this experience, what i want in life, where i want to go in life, etc. i have already learned much about myself and about managing a huge, long-term project. what are the remaining rewards left to reap from "sticking it out"? i'm fairly sure that i don't want to continue practicing science; so is it worth becoming "fully" trained as a scientist? do i want the satisfaction of knowing i didn't quit? do i want the satisfaction of knowing i recognized that i was miserable and had the courage to do something about it?

i am not a quitter. but i am also afraid of the unknown, of the uncertain. grad school, while tortuous, is a sure thing. so is med school. they are both established, respectable, and easily navitagle routes. running off to have a career in the wilderness is scary, because it's not something a lot of people do. there aren't books on "the best way to live in the wild" as there are on getting into, choosing, and succeeding at grad or med school. should i eschew both for the time being, and follow a dream?

financial security: i am not driven by money. i do not need fancy clothes, cars, foods, or household items. i do, however, sleep easier at night not worrying about my financial future. i know where my next paycheck is coming from (even if i feel guilty sometimes for accepting money for doing research i haven't really been doing). whatever job awaits me after grad school will pay the bills. i wouldn't starve as a doctor. i don't need to be a millionaire or make six-figures, but i would like to have job and financial security. this is a strike against a more adventurous route (wilderness or traveling).

what will i regret the most *not* doing? finishing grad school? taking time off to travel or experience wilderness more fully? going to med school?

*****

regardless of what i decide to do, i need to remember to be gentle with myself. right now i'm beating myself up over not knowing what it is i want to do: one minute i want to quit grad school, the next i want to go to med school, the next i want to finish grad school -- make your mind up! if a friend were having a similar dilemma i would of course be kind and gentle and loving and supportive. but how am i treatly myself? like shit. belittling and yelling and punishing. lesson: be kind to myself. it's OK not to know. that's part of life.

lesson #2: there may be more than one right answer. i remember having this realization a while back...don't remember when or why or if i wrote it down. but i have to keep in mind that i could be happy and lead a fulfilling life by doing any number of things. i could finish grad school and end up really enjoying science afterall, and get a cool job doing cool research, that pays enough and is 9-to-5 and allows me to do lots of cool stuff on the weekends. i could go to med school, and absolutely love being a doctor; plus i'd probably have enough money to take exciting trips once in a while. i could drop out and take a NOLS course, or go travel or go work in a national park, and not make much money but enjoy working in the outdoors so much that i don't need monetary compensation...

life is uncertain. get used to it. go with it. enjoy the ride. live for the surprises. thrive on it. turn your fear into your power, your upperhand, your pleasure...or at the very least don't let it destroy you.

pegs and holes

in the classic scenario of the square peg trying to fit into a round hole (or vice versa), is it the peg's fault or the hole's? or the force driving the peg through the hole?

for some time now, i have been trying desparately to fit myself -- the square peg -- into graduate school -- the round hole. it's not working. it's not a match. but is it my fault? am i to blame? or is blaming me as ridiculous as blaming a square peg for not fitting in a round hole?

part of being happier, improving my life, is figuring out what's making me unhappy and deciding whether i need to change myself, change my environment, or both. i'm beginning to see what it is that makes me so unhappy in grad school. and while those issues won't magically disappear if i decide to change directions, a different path may suit me better. the things that i have the hardest time doing are the same things one must be comfortable doing in order to suceed in grad school. now mind you, these are things that are worthwhile to be able to do -- speak up for yourself, seek help when you need it, set limits for yourself, all while not feeling guilty or like you've failed in some major way -- however they do not necessarily have to be your strong points if you are to suceed in life in general.

so, should i continue to try to cram my squareness into the roundness of graduate school, hoping that eventually we'll arrive at a mutually deformed shape that permits my passage, or should i seek out a square hole that more readily and less painfully lets me slide through? oh, if only life were as simple as playing with toys...

long december (change and time)

I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean...I guess I should


change. sometimes it happens without us wanting to. other times it takes so much for it to happen. sometimes we must fight for the status quo. other times we must fight to make things different.

time. sometimes it passes too quickly. other times not quickly enough. sometimes its passage brings positive results (fading of painful memory). other times its passage represents lost opportunity (too old to do X).

the solution to these conundrums? perserverence, to endure the struggle to combat and accelerate change. wisdom, to know when to resist and when to promote change. serenity, to accept and be content with the things we cannot change. patience, to outlast the slowly passing days. initiative, to take advantage of every day we are alive. hope, to start over the next day as eager to face change and time as the day before. strength, to never give up. and friends, to help guide you and to share the journey with.