Vegas!

went to Club Trouble in Vegas this past weekend. this was notably fun for two reasons: 1) i played womens. 2) it was in Vegas.

let's start with #2. having never been to Vegas before, it was all new and rather overwhelming to me. there were slot machines in the airport to greet me first thing off the plane. the bright, shiny, glittery lights hurt my eyes. the casino in the lobby of the hotel we were staying at was huge and rather depressing -- there was a preponderance of slot machines, and even when we were leaving for our games at 8:30 in the AM, there were a good smattering of people still plugging money into them. with no windows, you couldn't tell what time of day it was. in that respect, it was rather good that we had games during the day, so our life (and money) wasn't wasted gambling all day long. i arrived at night, and in the morning i was pleasantly shocked to see all the beautiful reddish mountains surrounding the city. it only added to the juxtaposition of contrasts that seemed to characterize Vegas: poor / rich, high-roller / low-roller, built-up city / desert, materialism / nature. it was crazy.

but i actually didn't spend that much time contemplating it (although it was pretty cool to stand atop the Stratosphere and look out at the city and think about all it stands for), as i was rather occupied with #1 above: playing Women's ultimate. i got talked into playing with Hella Bella, the Wisconsin Women's alum team by Alice Chen, whom i ran into at Worlds. i knew a grand total of 3 players out of 14 (including myself) on the team; a handful of them are still current players. i knew Jane, Alice, and Jamie. i made new friends with Holly Gruenke (current player, captain / best player), Anna "Schotty", Claire (5'10"), Corinne (in vet school), Courtney, Megan, Huldah (who organized the team), Dana (cute little thing living in San Diego with Alice), Betsy (who currently plays with Brute Squad, and who mostly played with them this weekend, much to the chagrin of most of the team) and Stephanie. it was probably one of the, if not the, best women's teams i've ever played on. everyone was solid. everyone could throw (i was probably one of the worst throwers on the team). everyone probably had at least one nice catch and one nice D. some people were very fast (holly, megan). some people were very good handlers (schotty, alice, steph). claire was tall.

i was a bit nervous about playing with them, given that i only knew 3 of them, and even then, not that well. but it was great. very fun. i fit in, i felt as included as i could have expected to be, and even became pretty good friends with a handful of them. this is definitely something i would like to make a yearly tradition. it was fun to play women's. i am tall and can make a difference on a women's team. sigh.

who i saw at the tourney: Xhten, Seth Crockford, Orin (Midd alum), Dave (dude from Madison I drove out east with; he's living in L.A. now), Idaho (hilarious as ever), Matt Welsh (from Illinois, living in L.A. -- playing for the Condors!), Megan (Frank's friend from Chicago), Savannah Sam, Metal guys (Max, Scribner, the coach guy, Ben Faust, Greg Sanda), Al, Bailey, Dorko, Tucker, Amy from Puppet, Simone...the list goes on. met some more of the Wisconsin guys -- notably Nate, Ryan, Peter (who's from Poland!), Ted Tripoli, etc. still don't know them very well, though.

we played against Kali alums one game, and Alex Snyder was there. i thought i did pretty well guarding her -- even got a D on one of her throws (she was trying to throw a high-release over me). i had a bit of trouble getting open on her. we played against Brute Squad in the semis. we lost, due to some uncharacteristic drops on our part, and our inability to play any effective defense. i myself was excited to play them to see how i matched up against them, and i feel i played fairly well. i felt like i played pretty good D, shutting down some cuts, poaching and seeing the field well. i had one nice deep D. i cut well. i may or may not have had a nice flick in that game. i did have one drop, but i blame that on all the shot i did the night before.

yes, so Vegas was fun, even if i didn't gamble or even really get to see the Strip (i was waaay too drunk). i will go back next year. i liked played womens. it's making me think twice about playing with Slow and maybe trying out for Brute??? did i really just admit that?

back to reality...

i am not superwoman

i had somewhat of a major realization today in my session with lisa: i can't do everything i want to and do it all well. you'd think i'd have realized that by now, but it really only hit me today. i've been setting myself up for failure all this time, thinking i can work long hours in lab, get a good workout in, cook myself dinner, and go out with my friends every day. and i was shocked to realize that i can't go up to boston or elsewhere nearly every weekend to play ultimate and party and expect to not be tired on mondays.

seriously, this past weekend, i didn't get any sleep friday night, got up early saturday, drove up to boston, had an intense 8-hour meeting with slow white, drank and partied 'til 1, passed out, played goaltimate in the freezing cold for over 2 hours, drove back to CT, played in a winter league game, drove back to new haven, and watched football with sean. and i slept 'til 10:30 monday and beat myself up for being lazy and felt like i was relapsing in depression or anemia because i was tired all day. sheesh!

the past two years of my life suddenly made sense: no wonder i didn't get as much done in lab as i would have liked -- i was too busy playing ultimate, training for ultimate, or recovering from ultimate. between leaving early on fridays for some far-off tournament and being too exhausted on mondays to really function, ultimate took up more time than just the playing itself. no wonder i've been so stressed out about lab: here i was choosing to devote all this time and energy to ultimate and yet i couldn't understand why i wasn't working as hard as grad students who had nothing else going on in their life. i couldn't accept the fact that i had chosen something which had the consequence of affecting my productivity in lab. i couldn't understand why i couldn't do both, so i beat myself up over it. if i could just accept the fact that i choose ultimate, maybe i could accept the consequences as well -- instead of deluding myself into thinking i can do both, as i've been doing all this time. other people might be able to do it, but not me. this much i know now.

so i can't do it all. yes, but as lisa pointed out, does it have to be all or nothing? is there a way i could reduce my expectations -- i.e. on a monday after an ultimate weekend, expect myself not to get into lab until 1pm. that way, i wouldn't be setting myself up for failure and an excuse to beat myself up. would i be happy playing ultimate at a less competitive level? making my PhD more of a priority certainly doesn't mean i have to give up all ultimate. or, could i still play with slow white, but give up some other things? i.e. don't play in summer league, don't go to fun tournaments, don't go up to practice early & come home right after, skip a tournament or practice if i can/must.

this is all very interesting, and got me thinking: why do i choose to play ultimate? why do i feel compelled to play at the highest level available to me? is it because *I* want to, is it because i enjoy it, or is it because i feel others expect me to or because i'm trying to impress people?

regardless of my true motivation, playing competitive ultimate is such a huge sacrifice. do i get enough out of it to justify all that i give up for it? the progress of my PhD most certainly suffers because i choose to play competitive ultimate. as does my social life here in new haven/CT. but i gain my large and important social life up in boston, which i find very satisfying. hmmm.

as is apparent from reading this, and as lisa rightfully pointed out, i appear to have trouble making and accepting sacrifices that are inherent with making a choice. i simply think i can have it all, try to, and expect to, and when i don't get it all, i'm angry, depressed, and i beat myself up. why is that? why do i have such trouble accepting that choices necessarily preclude other possibilities?