i am still grappling to come to terms with the end of my/our/the ultimate season. i joined a new team, played a new role, played with new teammates, played with my significant other. we had our ups and downs as a team, cruising all year, hitting some bumps come series-time, pulling through to make the finals, but ultimately falling short of gold. anyway you look at it, though, it was a successful season for a 1st year team.
i do have a head-full of thoughts on what makes a team successful, and what D5 means to me, but i am feeling introspective and selfish, and this blog is mine, so this post will focus on me.
did i have the tournament of my life at nationals? no. did i play well overall? yeah, i guess. did i make some mistakes? yes. did i play with heart? definitely. i guess i feel like i am expected to play amazing, and if i play just OK, it feels like a disappointment. so, i have mixed feelings.
did i make the right decision to play with D5? who can say. hindsight is 20/20. my team made the finals. none of the other teams i was considering did. would i have made a difference on those teams, directly (my personal play) or indirectly (attracting others to play)? yes, to varying degrees depending on the team. was team placement at the end of the year the only criteria i am basing my judgement of "good decision" on? no. read on.
was i happy not to be commuting to practice this year? most definitely. with more becoming expected of me at work, both in terms of performance and hours put in, it was nice to have more of my weekends to catch my breath at home. as much as i think, at the beginning or end of a season, that i will re-dedicate myself to the team-cause next season, there are most certainly points during it where i can't take any more and i need break, both physically and mentally. so D5 was a good fit in that respect.
did this team feel like "home"? it did at certain times, with certain people. i think slow white set a pretty high bar in that respect, and i may be deluded to think i will ever have something like that again. (to be fair, i was starting to feel like less a part of the slow white family last year, due to captaining. not that my leadership role prevented me from getting close to people, but that my duties took so much of my time and energy, i didn't have much to devote to social aspects.) i did develop some very close and meaningful friendships with a number of people on D5, and being in the same city as teammates really helped deepen some bonds. even if i didn't feel especially close to everyone, i did think that everyone was a good teammate in terms of being there with supportive words or actions at various times.
did i attain my highest potential? (what does that even mean?) i still feel like i would grow more as a player playing womens. some may argue this, but i think i would have been "forced" into throwing more and getting more comfortable throwing under pressure. i also think i would have been exposed to more strategy playing with a coach and in a system. but maybe not. i think i grew more this year than i would have on slow white. i felt more supported in throwing flicks, and i think my throws came farther because of it. i had many people say to me this year that i looked either in physical appearance or in on-field performance to be in very good shape, and i honestly think i was in the best shape of my adult life. and the "scary" thing is, i think i could have worked harder. so, i guess that goal was mostly achieved.
at the end of every year, during especially tough games, after i've made a monumental error, when i am in pain and telling my body to push through it, i ask myself, "why do i do this?" why do i play this sport? why do i put myself through what i do? why do i run track workouts in the blistering heat, in the driving rain? why do i get up early to go to tournaments, and return late at night? why do i spend so much money on plane tickets, hotels, rental cars, doctor bills, and equipment? why do i tape up a severely sprained ankle and ask my body to ignore the pain and find a way to not only run, but cut, jump, and stop on a dime?
i think there are two reasons: one, because that's who i am. i am not content to sit still, to play just OK, to train only moderately hard, to sit home and not try. to read about other people's conquests on monday morning, rather than reliving them myself. yes, i need balance. yes, i need a day or a weekend off. yes, sometimes i will go to happy hour after work instead of the track. yes, i chose to play on a less intense team in terms of practicing. but i am still a competitor, with my opponents and with myself. and i am proud that i showed up to play. it's much easier to stay home, literally or figuratively. and while i could always have played better, pushed harder, done more, i still owe myself some credit.
two, the people. ultimate is such a great community. nationals is always such a good time, between spending time with current teammates, former teammates, long-lost friends, and meeting new people. it all starts to sound so mushy, and i'm not going to do it justice here. so i'll just stop at that.
i think it was confucius who said "in every end, there is a beginning". and so, what does this season's end bring? for one, i feel far less burnt out that i did at the end of last season. i am not dreading the thought of picking up a disc again. i'm actually plotting how i can get more handling experience (for real this time). while i am looking forward to some alternative off-season activities (climbing, swimming, hitting new PR's in lifting), i am also looking ahead to next year already...but it's too soon to say what that will bring.
one last random thought: i "won" the team spirit award (i.e. korber nominated me). i'm very proud of that. the older i've gotten, the less i've focused on outcome, and the more i've focused on the process. i wouldn't feel good about something if it wasn't achieved fairly, and the fact that someone else recognized this must mean i'm accomplishing this on the ultimate field. woot.
Labels: ultimate
