grieving, again

i still think grieving is in some parts selfish. and this grief, my grief, is immensely so.

part of a letter I wrote to Ryan West's fundraising gmail account, but took out:

Ryan - So thinking of my memories of you is really hard & painful for me right now, because nearly all of them are with him. They are of happier times. It's no coincidence you remind me of happier times, but they are bitter-sweet for me. I feel so insanely guilty for turning everyone's loss and pain into my own selfish painful story. But there it is. I can't dig through my photos to find one of you & I, and change my Facebook profile picture to it, because it will undoubtedly make me think of A.)

Clover & Ryan - I'm happy you two found each other. Your love is so beautiful. Your devotion so inspiring. I am incredibly angered and saddened in thinking about how unfair it is that Ryan was taken from you so soon. It's not fair that others disrespect love and marriage and vows and go on to lead long, healthy lives, while those that exemplify devotion and dedication get the short end of the stick.

I wasn't that close to Ryan. So while I"m certainly sad that he died, I'm not devastated. It is sad....

[Tangent: but what's sadder is that he had cancer, and suffered through treatments, and a painful, debilitating, eviscerating death. That he died is almost a relief, a blessing, at this point. He was DNR. They knew it was the end. His suffering is over. He put up such a valiant fight. No shame in dying.]

...but I know him through A & A's friends. So nearly all my memories of Ryan involve A. So it's hard for me to look at pictures people are posting of him, because some of them have A in them. Or they remind me of a time -- an event, a party, a whatever -- with A. Happier times. That we were fucking happy once. Or at least I thought I was.

And this was just the tip of the "my grief is giving me guilt" ice berg, thinking of Ryan reminding me of A. At a gathering for Ryan, which took place in a bar, and thus involved lots of drinking, I became intensely upset at seeing Them. I then felt intensely guilty for reacting as I did -- for not having, as my therapist pointed out, a generic grief response. She pointed out that everyone is going to experience grief surrounding a particular tragic event in a personal way. And considering how complicated our Ultimate community is socially, romantically, I cannot have been the only person to not be responding in a non-generic way.

A Memory came up on Facebook the day Ryan passed of the first Constitution Game down in Philly. The debut of the Minute Men cheering section. I don't think I had a poster celebrating my sig-O that day, but in the picture, I'm standing next to a friend, who is holding a poster celebrating her former sig-O, who cheated on her. So much sad, betrayed, bittersweet emotions contemplating happy times past.

But is the present so tragic? I went back and looked at my last g-chat with Ryan. I chatted him soon after Turkey Bowl. He asked how I was doing otherwise (after we had the obligatory Ultimate chit chat). I said, not great.

Him: That is tough. Unfortunately there is no map on how to properly live a life. its just a series of blunders and guesses in hopes you are doing the right thing.
Me: "just sucks when you find out you've been doing it wrong for 5 years. and your life isn't what you thought it was"
Him: better to find out than to never know though right?
Me: yeah. i want to be a better person, so i want to know
Him: well i am sure you will be fine. you havent had any issues being a good person up until this point

Can a friend's passing teach us to look back on the happy times fondly, not as a tragedy because they are in the past with someone who is no longer a part of our lives, but as a celebration of atemporal love and spirit?