chewed up

usually class is one weightlifting exercise or skill focus, then a moderate workout. today was one long hard workout (a 21-min AMRAP -- as many reps as possible), followed by a shorter, but still grueling workout, which was optional. i did OK in the first. had to scale / modify one of the movements, so it wasn't "Rx", but i still did well. the second workout was just gut-wrenching: as many Dumbbell Thrusters as you can do in 5 min. try doing any exercise as many times as possible in 5 minutes. it's just awful.

i was the only one in my class who opted for the second optional workout. so the coach focused his yelling at me. towards the end...i just couldn't do what he was telling me. he had been saying "it's just mental, your body can do it." then more specifically "one more rep." but i couldn't. and it felt so demoralizing. and yet, i ended up doing 22 more reps than the next closest person did that day, but i still felt like a failure. just the complete and utter exhaustion and effort and feeling like i still failed. i've felt this way in Ultimate, where you give it your all on the field and it's still not enough, and i feel this way now, in life. like i'm giving it my all, with Him and with Work, i'm TRYING, and i just CAN'T. (maybe it's mental, maybe i can. i just feel like i can't).

so the 5 minutes end, and i've push so hard, my muscles are on fire and i can't breathe, and the tears, they start coming and i can't stop them, and i go to the corner and get on my knees and put my elbows on a box and try to breathe, but i'm crying, and it becomes hyperventilating, and the coach i can tell he doesn't want to deal with this, not this, not at the end of what has to have been a long day for him, and oh god, i'm just another burden on someone, but i can't breathe. i can't calm down. the workout was cathartic and good and i'm stronger than i was before, better, a better person, i am, i am, i am becoming a better person. so many people say i am, this must be true. they are there for me, why can't i reach out to them? why can't i BREATHE?

why can't i?