alone

i have never felt more alone*. how else can you feel when someone you thought you'd known for 7 years turned out to be unrecognizable to you, almost overnight? and you feel that you have no choice but to walk away? because staying was eating away at your sense of self?

so alone, because who you thought you were, was tied up in him. in the two of you. in the past 7 years. and now he's telling you it was a lie. he was unhappy. you were a bad partner. awful. uncaring. cold. yet he bought a house with you, proposed to you, married you, cried at your wedding. so alone, because you are confused.

so alone, because your lives are intertwined. that house. the cats. the friends. but things can't keep you together when the emotions are driving you apart. emotions embroiled in the past, a past he is re-writing to suit his needs, to assuage his guilt. the past that he can't let go of. he claims he's been giving you second chances "for years". you don't remember these ultimatums, these "second chances" being given. again, you are confused.

so alone, yet so supported. you know you have friends who care, who are ready to take you in, offer a shoulder to cry on, open up the gym early, feed you, listen to you, distract you. but they aren't here now. they can't be. you have to do this part alone.

maybe that's where you are most comfortable, alone. that's what he wants you to believe, anyway. that you are incapable of not-alone, of intimacy. maybe this is just a sad story of your respective not-alones not being compatible, and you never figured out a way to discuss it, to find an acceptable middle-ground. to find a way to be alone and not-alone together.

*see previous post: standing at the bank of a stream...