the unbearable emptiness of full

our stomachs are fairly close to our hearts. where kids rub their abdomen to say their "tummy hurts" is actually their intestines. the heart sits atop the spleen & liver, which abut the stomach. the term "heartburn" makes more sense when the closeness of stomach (and esophagus) to heart is considered.

despite their proximity, filling your stomach does nothing to fill your heart (and here i make the switch from physical heart and metaphorical one). that emptiness you feel from years of neglect from your mother? pumpkin pie, no matter how delicious or copious, will not fill that void. that hollow feeling you get when your dad gives you the cursory "hello" on the phone, then promptly hands you back to your mother? filling your time with athletic endeavors to impress him won't magically impart substance to your relationship with him. that gnawing feeling that something just isn't quite right between you two? it can be swept under, spiced up, painted over, and washed away by cooking, cleaning, and other chores, but keeping busy with domestic activities does nothing to address the deeper issues. 

it is hard to sit in silence with our own thoughts, to come to terms with the emptiness that fills our lives. plenty has been written on the subject of how modern life is replete with distractions. electronic, high-def, networked distractions done in the name of staying in touch, improving self, keeping up with the jonses. even in my own home, i cannot find peace from the relentless drive to fill every waking moment with meaningful activity, as if my entire life were some sort of consulting gig whose every hour had to be accounted for and justified (only 1 hour for lunch!). 

amidst all these activities, how is it that the kind words, the smile, the friendly eye contact of a stranger are so uplifting, important, rare and not everyday, expected, mundane? because these activities often lack meaning -- self-assigned meaning, not imposed by some outside force. the distinction is important.

i seek simplicity. i seek meaning. i seek fullness. i endeavor to find them.