bragging

if i can't brag about myself on my blog, where can i?

i had a freakin' awesome winter league game tonight. freakin' awesome. i'm talking D here. OK, so there are some not-s0-good players in winter league who throw ill-advised throws to the girl i'm covering, but still. they weren't thrown directly at me; i had to anticipate them and GO TO the bad throw and knock it away. in other words, the throw wasn't so bad that had i not D'd it, it still would have gone into the ground. oh no. i was a factor in our 1-point victory.

i marked up against kelley. kelley. skinny, good, fast kelley. (who didn't go out to the bar afterwards...i hope it wasn't because of me, because of the game...that's a ridiculous thought, there are a thousand other reasons why she and pete didn't go out -- 900 of which could be due to pete.) anyways, we decided to force backhand. good decision. i got two (count them: two!) point blocks on her (OK, so one was a really nice, in-your-face point block; the other was just a piece, but a good-sized piece, enough to make the disc wobble into the ground. yes!). good decision. and i forced at least two other back-hand throw-aways and another flick throw-away when we switched up the force at my suggestion. OK, so maybe i shouldn't be taking credit for unforced errors, but i'd like to think i was in her head.

in-/short-cut D's: my shining point was a marathon one in which i got no fewer than 3 (or was it 4?) D's in which i physically smacked the disc into the ground. 2 were in nearly the exact same spot on the field, one of which i was poaching off onto shannon (that felt good: poaching). the third was a lay-out D into the sidelines -- i anticipated the throw from len, who is not that good, and so it wasn't that great of a throw, decision-wise or execution-wise, but i must say, it was still a pretty sweet anticipation and lay-out D. aw yeeeah. i forced at least 2 bad throws to kelley that point as well, being close on her, so as to make the thrower over-throw her. (again, i'd like to think i was in their heads, but i'm probably giving myself more credit than is due.)

deep D's: i had 2. one was a deep huck to kelley. she had a couple of steps on me, but i had position and a 5th-gear i wasn't expecting. but i still think she had the advantage...until i jumped up and tipped it away. (my reading of discs and timing of jumping has been good lately -- that's nice b/c it's something i felt had been suffering later in the season.)

and then. on double game point. we had been down by 4. we came back to tie it at 12's. it was do or die time. last point. point to decide the victor. i honestly would have been content to sit it out. i wasn't in on the point before and it would have been far too presumptuous of me to take clare out b/c it was DGP. but wait. what's that they're doing? is that kelley i see going in? they're going 3-2. that means i'm in. oh, bad decision, team purple.

i run down on the pull. i'm guarding kelley. what is she going to do? i'm a little nervous. but determined that the game-ending point will not be scored on my watch. kelley is just hanging out in the stack. paul cuts in from the back of the stack, like he's done all game long. kelley is still standing there. it's clear she's not going deep, so i start to poach off a little and take notice of what shannon is doing. she had been in the front of the stack, setting up a cut. a deep cut. i see paul fake and look at her. she takes off. he throws. i get on my horse and go deep with her and the throw. there's no way i can get it. it's perfectly placed to the back of the endzone and she has too many steps on me. but wait. i'm gaining. it's floating. we all 3 (me, shannon, the disc) arrive at the same point in space at the same time. i jump. i extend my arm. i am jumping over her, trying not to hit her, not least because i'm concerned about fouling her, but i'm worried about hurting her, re-injuring her knee, her ACL. time stops. i hit the disc, cleanly. but it's not enough. she -- and i -- has a second chance at the disc. and that's where i disregard all concerns for her and my safety -- we were right at the soccer goal post, dangerously close to my head -- and i lunge to hit the disc again. i actually don't know if i hit it again, and i actually thought shannon might have come down with it. but in my lunging (and i'm sure she was lunging too), we collapse. we make contact. in a bad way.

we are in a pile on the ground. she is on top of me. i hear her say, "it's OK. it's just my bad knee." i'm like, "wha???!!!" she says to me, "don't move, OK?" i reply, "sure, fine, yes, OK." i was in a perfectly safe position, prone on the ground. my shin hurt, but not in a bad way. she removes herself from me, and she is fine. i apologize profusely for the unintended dangerousness of the play, and to my relief she accepts sincerely -- there is not a hint of anger or hard-feelings in her response. it is then that i look around, notice people walking the other way, and see the disc lying on the ground, to the left of where we had been piled: i got the D.

i don't actually remember the rest. i'm pretty sure we turned it again before scoring for good. wait, now i'm sure of it. george knight had a loop I/O flick that went beyond olen's reach out the back of the endzone. i don't remember how we got the second D. it may have been the one where chris's guy essentially missed the catch, chris got a piece of it, and i knocked it to the ground. but that could have been earlier in the game, too.

end of story: we score and win. what a game! what an ending! what D! my throws were OK, too. i had one turn-over: an ill-advised hammer to GK. gah. but my flicks, while not stellar, were catchable and accurate. i threw a lot of backhands, so that was nice :) and i had fun at the bar after -- i did two carbombs with shannon. she is still talking to me.

oh: i have a killer bruise on my shin from where i collided with shannon's cleat, cleat-side up. battle wound: nice.

time for a bite to eat, a shower, then bed. in that order.

good night!

another year older...

but am i another year wiser?

had a fabulous birthday weekend. help a party at my place thursday night. so great to have a houseful of friends. really made me realize how many good friends i have -- and i am so appreciative of that fact. it also made me realize how i wouldn't have been able to make it through my recent tough times without all my friends. i gave out little gifts to various people for categories like "best eVite respond", "name rhymes with Jelly", and "coolest person i know from NH".

saturday night i went up to boston for rosie's semi-formal. (friday i went to filene's and splurged on a new dress, shoes, earrings, and a clutch/bag. i was very happy with my dress: long brown -- didn't make me look/feel fat!) i headed to lori's and we went to fanueil hall for some delicious lobster bisque in a breadbowl.

rosie's party was actually held at jasper's. it was half slow white, half BU people, but it was 100% fun. too much to drink, as usual. good to see everyone: drew, jason drucker, miller farina, chelsea, hammer, pass, evan, dan, siona, adrienne, kat, holzer, lindsay, jono... kris kelly didn't make it out :( the party got busted up by the police around 2am.

spent sunday hanging out with lori and JJ -- we watched 'wedding crashers', and had cookies. then i had a long drive back to CT. i stopped at boston market at the first service plaza and got the 3-side meal. yum! called home to wish dad a happy birthday, had a nice chat with both him and mom. finally getting more comfortable sharing things with them about lab, etc. then i watched my sunday night TV. all in all, a very good birthday weekend.

what a week

Tues - told andrew i was switching labs. had a negative effect on my appetite: was not hungry. didn't really eat much after winter league either. couldn't sleep, got up and ate dinner.

Wed - a good day. told lab i was switching at tea time. it was a little nerve-wracking and that took away my appetite.

Thurs - an even better day. told Enrique i wanted to join his lab for sure. he made an announcement to the rest of the lab. talked about projects, got some papers to read. very exciting. had a very late lunch (3 pm) and then a light dinner. then drank a ton at my party.

Friday - told Ramona that I could no longer commit to coming to weekday practices. they were happy for me and supportive. i plan on still coming to tournaments.

clarity

it's funny how smoking clears my mind. slows things down. makes everything seem more real, the little details more significant.

i felt the cold, saw my breath (from the cold not from the smoke). i heard music in the distance -- maybe bells ringing? water was dripping. i thought, "why go on?" why not just lie down in the cold, wet snow, and stop. the courtyard was quiet, empty. and then i saw peggy. (peggy! what the fuck?!)

you ever have one of those moments when, you're about to do something, or something's about to happen, and then at the very last split second you think, "what if [blank] happens instead?" like something totally unexpected, the exact opposite, which would somehow cause the universe to stop behaving rationally, logically, and you enter the twilight zone? i just had one. i was coming back inside, from my smoke, and just as i was about to open the big outer doors to bass, i thought, "what if they're locked?" and i could nearly feel the door resisting my pull, making that dull 'clunk' sound when it's locked and doesn't open. but that's a ridiculous thought, since it was 2:30 in the afternoon on a tuesday -- there's no reason it shouldn't open. i think i thought that because it just would have been so perfect, so fitting, to get locked outside in the cold after having a smoke, to calm my nerves before i had my little meeting with andrew, in which i am going to tell him that i want to leave his lab and join another.

why am i building this up to be so big, so important? why am i so afraid of how andrew will react? why do i feel this meeting, this moment, is the significant one? wasn't making the decision the hard part, the crux, the turning point?

hopefully i am getting all worked up about what will be a very easy and mutally comfortable discussion. but i still feel like i want to puke.

quiet

it is snowing out, quietly but steadily. they are predicting up to 16" of snow. perhaps i will go skiing, finally.

i am sitting at my desk, which is cluttered as usual. i can't seem to keep it clean for longer than 24 hours. i think my problem is that i can't throw things away right away -- i have to let the moment pass, then i am ready to part with them.

i have lit a candle, one of the small red ones that the littlejohns gave me last year for my birthday, i believe.

i am home alone. i believe dietmar is in new york, with his girlfriend.

i could finish my valentines, but i am not convinced they are a good idea. maybe i will go read a book.

what is it that i am supposed to do with these quiet times of my life? is it these moments that truly define who i am? i could be using them to better the world, or myself. why do i feel the need to be motivated to do something? why can't i just do something -- read, watch TV, write a letter, do puzzles, clean my room -- and be happy with doing that, instead of having to feel this urge or desire to do it? is it normal to do things without really really really wanting to? i mean, i guess i don't always really really want to do the things that i actually end up doing. but it is this "blah" feeling, this apathetic state of being that i fall into sometimes, that i don't know what to do with or about.

it it times like these, that i desparately search for meaning -- in my life, in what i do in general, and what i'm doing in particular right now. i search for a connection -- to someone, to something, to a cause, to a story, to a friend, to a stranger. i know that in the past, i have gone to the gas station around the corner to buy food, and the interaction with the cashier or another customer in the store has meant more to me than the food has.

it would be clean and nice (easy, uncomplicated, unmessy, simple) if i could make the analogy that i am empty and i am searching for something to fill me up -- food, contact with other human beings, a meaningful activity. but i can't really say that i feel empty and that that's why i eat. it's more like i don't feel alive. i don't feel, period. and i'm seeking to feel something, anything. it doesn't have to be strong or important, but it becomes that. it takes on meaning because i don't understand it or what to do about it.

but maybe by just accepting that i feel this way sometimes, and not getting upset or beating myself up because i don't understand it and don't know what to do about it, i can defeat it. or at least survive it. not really by pretending that everything's OK, but by allowing everything to not be OK sometimes. lower -- or more accurately, change -- my expectations of my life, of my feelings. not require that every moment be wonderful and meaningful and leading to something greater. allow that sometimes, i just am. i just exist. no adjectives or adverbs needed. just a subject(me) and a verb (living, breathing, being, existing).

at long last: a confident step forward

somehow, the wisdom and courage necessary for me to make a decision found their way to me, and i have taken action. i have decided to change labs. i realized, in contemplating leaving grad school, that i wasn't ready to give up on it. a scientist at heart, i wanted to change one of the variables in this experiment that is my graduate education, and see if it wasn't the causative factor in my unhappiness. i do think the mismatch between myself and grad school has played no small role in my struggle, but i don't wonder -- and here maybe it was susan baserga's comment that got me thinking about this -- if it's not the lab environment that has been dragging me down, and if i changed that variable, maybe this experiment would be a success after all?

susan said to me: i bet you'd have eeked by with a PhD had you been in a different lab. and talking to ben today confirmed my suspicion. i divulged to him that i was thinking of -- no, i AM going to -- change labs, and we got to talking about and analyzing our lab. it was so amazing to hear someone articulate the exact feelings i'd been feeling: there is an air of subtle competitiveness about the lab, he is made to constantly feel like he has to prove that is smart and worthy, andrew didn't know how to motivate him. he expressed a longing that graduate school could be different. he commended me for taking action, for doing something, and said that in his own way, he was doing something about his own situation. we all find our own way through life. what needs to happen for one person won't necessarily solve another person's problem.

anyways, all this to say, that i am confident that this is the best decision for me. i talked to mark solomon (the DGS); he concurred. and to my great relief but not surprise, enrique, who had urged me towards this decision in the first place, agreed to take me into his lab. (he said that i should look at least two other labs, to give myself options and to make sure i was choosing the best project, but that i should not worry. i would have a place to go.) it felt so *good* to be wanted by someone, to have someone believe in me. that gives me confidence in myself, motivation to work hard, and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. even though my attitude towards many things in my life has changed recently -- i am doing things for me now, and no one else -- it does help to have someone who believes in you, is interested in what you're doing, and is counting on you.

this is a step on a new path. it is setting my course for the near future, but not forever. one of the things i'm beginning to realize is that decisions are time-dependent multidimensional actions: the "right" decision depends not only on all the logical factors affecting the situation, but also on where you are in your life. the decision you made five years ago may have been the wrong one in retrospect, but at the time, it was a good, right decision.

wow. i made a decision. i can second-guess it 'til i turn blue in the face, but sometimes you have to stop looking at the map, calculating with your compass, and testing the wind with your finger and start marching confidently forward and not look back.

here i go.