quiet

it is snowing out, quietly but steadily. they are predicting up to 16" of snow. perhaps i will go skiing, finally.

i am sitting at my desk, which is cluttered as usual. i can't seem to keep it clean for longer than 24 hours. i think my problem is that i can't throw things away right away -- i have to let the moment pass, then i am ready to part with them.

i have lit a candle, one of the small red ones that the littlejohns gave me last year for my birthday, i believe.

i am home alone. i believe dietmar is in new york, with his girlfriend.

i could finish my valentines, but i am not convinced they are a good idea. maybe i will go read a book.

what is it that i am supposed to do with these quiet times of my life? is it these moments that truly define who i am? i could be using them to better the world, or myself. why do i feel the need to be motivated to do something? why can't i just do something -- read, watch TV, write a letter, do puzzles, clean my room -- and be happy with doing that, instead of having to feel this urge or desire to do it? is it normal to do things without really really really wanting to? i mean, i guess i don't always really really want to do the things that i actually end up doing. but it is this "blah" feeling, this apathetic state of being that i fall into sometimes, that i don't know what to do with or about.

it it times like these, that i desparately search for meaning -- in my life, in what i do in general, and what i'm doing in particular right now. i search for a connection -- to someone, to something, to a cause, to a story, to a friend, to a stranger. i know that in the past, i have gone to the gas station around the corner to buy food, and the interaction with the cashier or another customer in the store has meant more to me than the food has.

it would be clean and nice (easy, uncomplicated, unmessy, simple) if i could make the analogy that i am empty and i am searching for something to fill me up -- food, contact with other human beings, a meaningful activity. but i can't really say that i feel empty and that that's why i eat. it's more like i don't feel alive. i don't feel, period. and i'm seeking to feel something, anything. it doesn't have to be strong or important, but it becomes that. it takes on meaning because i don't understand it or what to do about it.

but maybe by just accepting that i feel this way sometimes, and not getting upset or beating myself up because i don't understand it and don't know what to do about it, i can defeat it. or at least survive it. not really by pretending that everything's OK, but by allowing everything to not be OK sometimes. lower -- or more accurately, change -- my expectations of my life, of my feelings. not require that every moment be wonderful and meaningful and leading to something greater. allow that sometimes, i just am. i just exist. no adjectives or adverbs needed. just a subject(me) and a verb (living, breathing, being, existing).