decisions and revelations

clearly, i am faced with a very difficult decision: to leave grad school or to stay? and if a go, what career to pursue? that in and of itself is challenging. but what complicates the matter, is the fact that i am quite incapable of making a decision and sticking to it. lisa and i visited this idea today, and i think the answer to my "problem" lies in the reasons why i am having such a hard time choosing between many options.

i like trends. i like to simplify. i like to identify patterns, similarities, and make analogies. break down big decisions by looking at how i make little ones. for example, i'll say to myself "i'm going to go out less, to save money, drink less, be healthier." and then i find myself getting sucked into going out on a monday night. conclusion: i am very impulsive. and i like that. i like being compulsive. i like saying, "let's go to a bar" even though it's 3:15 on a saturday afternoon and we have to be back at the team meeting in 15 minutes. it's fun. it's alive.

i haven't always been impulsive. i was very meticulous and disciplined in high school, through ~sophomore year in college (interestingly, right around the time that i began compulsive over-eating). i started drinking, playing a lot of frisbee, and being more and more spontaneous. in general, i was less averse to having fun, rather than working hard all the time.

perhaps related to this observation, is a thought i had the other day. i wondered if my whole life i was doing things for other people -- to please my parents, impress my community, earn the admiration of teachers -- and that part of my struggle has been letting myself do what i want. has my eating disorder been nothing more than my effort to force myself to adhere to my self-imposed standards of perfection, and my subsequent means of punishing myself for failing to meet them? regardless, it was a major revelation for me today to finally learn and accept that i can do what i want -- what makes me happy -- and still be loved, by my parents, by my friends, by my mentors, by anyone.

i'm not sure what this means in terms of the decision that faces me. should i be impulsive and quit grad school? one thing is for sure, though. i do need to figure out what *i* want to do, for me. i know now that doing things because i think other people want me to is a recipe for disaster.

for me and no one else...