uncertainty

what am i most afraid of? i don't think i'm afraid of dying. and i don't think i'm afraid of failure. no, what really gets to me is uncertainty: not being sure of what is to come, if what i'm doing is the right thing.

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what a difference a week makes...two weeks ago, i was certain i was going to quit grad school (again, but for sure this time, really). the next day i started getting excited about med school. a week later i was sure i wanted to go to med school. now, after talking with jess on thursday and jonathan on friday, i am convinced i can do this, i can win the battle vs. grad school.

i guess it comes down to what i want. what i want to get out of this experience, what i want in life, where i want to go in life, etc. i have already learned much about myself and about managing a huge, long-term project. what are the remaining rewards left to reap from "sticking it out"? i'm fairly sure that i don't want to continue practicing science; so is it worth becoming "fully" trained as a scientist? do i want the satisfaction of knowing i didn't quit? do i want the satisfaction of knowing i recognized that i was miserable and had the courage to do something about it?

i am not a quitter. but i am also afraid of the unknown, of the uncertain. grad school, while tortuous, is a sure thing. so is med school. they are both established, respectable, and easily navitagle routes. running off to have a career in the wilderness is scary, because it's not something a lot of people do. there aren't books on "the best way to live in the wild" as there are on getting into, choosing, and succeeding at grad or med school. should i eschew both for the time being, and follow a dream?

financial security: i am not driven by money. i do not need fancy clothes, cars, foods, or household items. i do, however, sleep easier at night not worrying about my financial future. i know where my next paycheck is coming from (even if i feel guilty sometimes for accepting money for doing research i haven't really been doing). whatever job awaits me after grad school will pay the bills. i wouldn't starve as a doctor. i don't need to be a millionaire or make six-figures, but i would like to have job and financial security. this is a strike against a more adventurous route (wilderness or traveling).

what will i regret the most *not* doing? finishing grad school? taking time off to travel or experience wilderness more fully? going to med school?

*****

regardless of what i decide to do, i need to remember to be gentle with myself. right now i'm beating myself up over not knowing what it is i want to do: one minute i want to quit grad school, the next i want to go to med school, the next i want to finish grad school -- make your mind up! if a friend were having a similar dilemma i would of course be kind and gentle and loving and supportive. but how am i treatly myself? like shit. belittling and yelling and punishing. lesson: be kind to myself. it's OK not to know. that's part of life.

lesson #2: there may be more than one right answer. i remember having this realization a while back...don't remember when or why or if i wrote it down. but i have to keep in mind that i could be happy and lead a fulfilling life by doing any number of things. i could finish grad school and end up really enjoying science afterall, and get a cool job doing cool research, that pays enough and is 9-to-5 and allows me to do lots of cool stuff on the weekends. i could go to med school, and absolutely love being a doctor; plus i'd probably have enough money to take exciting trips once in a while. i could drop out and take a NOLS course, or go travel or go work in a national park, and not make much money but enjoy working in the outdoors so much that i don't need monetary compensation...

life is uncertain. get used to it. go with it. enjoy the ride. live for the surprises. thrive on it. turn your fear into your power, your upperhand, your pleasure...or at the very least don't let it destroy you.