construction

i feel like i'm building my life -- who i am, what i do, where i'm going -- one small piece at a time. where i'm at today is determined in part by a brick i laid down long ago...and many more that lay above and below. it's hard to keep track of the overall structure when day in and day out -- every minute -- i am making choices about how to build my life. i know i should pick that sturdy piece of wood over there, but it's so much more work to install, and besides this piece of styrofoam is so pretty...stuff like that.

i'm afraid of what it will look like when it's all done. i have no plans, no blueprints. i've never built a building before. i have no experience. and i'm afraid of heights, scared to look down at what i've already done; mistakes i've made, what to do differently next time. what if i don't like what i've done? where it's headed, what it's shaping out to be? will i have the courage to start over? tear it all down? it's hard. i'd rather just focus on the piece in front of me. it's easier and less scary that way.

other people's buildings look so nice...so easy to construct. i'm envious. but maybe it's just the facade. maybe underneath they're struggling with the pieces too, and how they fit together. or maybe i think more like a contractor than they do -- they're more of the construction workers, only concerned with the placement of I beams and the soldering of metal. while me, i'm worried about going over budget and whether the final product will withstand a violent storm. i don't know.

choices. bricks. lego pieces. jenga. yeah, maybe the life building analogy is better represented by jenga than by a brick house. you lay down pieces but they're not fixed together so that later you can come back and move them around. but move them too much or in the wrong way and it all comes crashing down. but it's easy enough to build back up...