happy pills: day 0

This is the molecule that will soon be coursing through my body, hopefully doing its job of antagonizing serotonin reuptake receptors in my brain but not anything more (suppression of appetite would be nice, but I'll settle for no sexual side effects). It's paroxetine, more commonly known as Paxil. Yup, that's right. I've decided to take the plunge and go back on anti-depressants.

Things have been pretty bad now for a while. Perhaps we all have a tendancy to ignore the little signs, or maybe it's that it's socially unacceptable to be outwardly unhappy and so we deny even to ourselves that we are. (Which is too bad, because yesterday in the gym I ran into a frisbee friend I hadn't seen in a while. He asked how I was doing. I couldn't really muster an enthusiastic response, and his reply was, "Looks like you're feeling the same way I've been: depressed!" Who knows how many other people are feeling the same way and I don't know because I was too afraid to show them how I was really feeling...) Regardless, the little things added up (being really down a lot, lack of motivation, crying for no reason, difficulty concentrating, inability to fall asleep, sleeping too much, feelings of hopelessness, eating totally out of control, anxiety) and then there were the big things that really clued me in that action needed to be taken: disinterest in frisbee (!), smoking, making myself throw up once, and thoughts of harming myself.

When I went to see the psychiatrist today, he said that I had been feeling down around the same time last year. I hadn't realized that was when I had seen him last. It could be a seasonal thing (frisbee is over for the year, days are getter shorter, it's freaking cold out), but how could I forget that last year at this time, I had just broken up with Jon. And I had blamed that for my sleeping 12 hours a day, lack of motivation, disinterest in everything, and thoughts of suicide. But maybe, probably, there was something else there, something else with a life of its own that has reared its ugly head again with no provocation this time.

And that was also part of what prompted me to seek help: the fact that there was no "trigger" this time, no event or reason I could put my finger on, that I could blame for my depression. In fact, I have many reasons not to be depressed: lab is going better, the results of my frisbee season were freakin' unbelievable, and I've gained a team-ful of new friends in addition to the many I already have. If I didn't have these things, it's scary to think what state I'd be in...oh wait, I'd probably be a crying mess like I was last year at this time.

But despite all these indications that I was clinically and majorly depressed, I struggled with the decision. I was -- and still am -- scared that I will become someone different, that these pills will alter my brain chemistry in such a way that it will fundamentally affect my personality. Which is perhaps an unfounded and naive concern; they will likely simply make me a happier person, put me in a better mood so I am better able to be the person I was meant to be. There is also the stigma of weakness associated with taking anti-depressants. Which is an equally absurb concern. I can't think of one of my good, true friends who would judge me for taking this medication. (I can probably think of a couple of not-so-good friends who might, but fuck 'em.) Furthermore, my father is also taking Paxil, so I know he will not be thinking me weak (and I have these weird fears of appearing weak or dumb or both in my dad's eyes).

Perhaps I was afraid to start taking medication for my depression because I was afraid to admit my depression was bad enough to merit taking medication. I think this is a big one. I don't remember having these feelings and fears when I started taking meds the first time, probably because I had less of a say in the matter. And, there was a bigger, more apparent problem, so that almost justified the anti-depressants. But now, today, I was just wrecked at what this meant, at how bad things had gotten, at how badly I wanted these pills to make me feel better.

Well, the sooner I get to bed, the sooner I will wake up and take my first dose. The first pill is the first step (of many) towards a better place, I can only hope...