i exist and i get angry and that's OK

there are starting to be reoccuring themes in my sessions with lisa. one is that sometimes, i'm afraid to make space for myself -- to simply be. for example, i identified one of the reasons i find going over to the pollard lab to do TIRFM experiments is that i feel like i'm bothering people in that lab. upon further questioning, it came out that i felt that by simply being there in the lab, i was annoying people. which is ridiculous.

this irrational thought stems from the fact that when i was growing up, my dad would come home from work and place himself in front of the TV with a beer and not want to be bothered. and i became very attuned to this -- to not bothering my dad by asking questions about what was on TV, or by asking him to help me with my homework, or by simply trying to engage him in conversation. to this day i am very aware of how i affect other people simply by being and breathing. this is at the forefront of many roommate issues for me -- me feeling bad that i'm out in the living room, taking up space, or for taking too long in the bathroom, etc etc.

reocurring issue # 2 is my fear of other's anger, which goes hand in hand with my aversion to bothering people. the only thing worse than pestering my dad while he was watching TV was making him angry. oooo, watch out. he actually didn't get angry that often, not that i can remember, but when he did, it was an explosion. i'm pretty sure it was when he had been drinking, too. it was scary. i don't remember him being angry at me -- only my sister. not even my mom. i might be blocking stuff out. anyway, i am afraid of making other people angry, of upsetting them, of rocking the boat, of speaking up, of expressing anger myself. what if they explode at me like my dad exploded at my sister? what if i explode? gradually, i am coming to learn and truly accept that i can express my opinions and discontent with people and they will not tear my head off like i'm afraid they will. i am finding that when expressed in a civil manner, anger and discontent are often met with a curtious explanation, and not rage.

baby steps, progress, always learning.

can't sleep... (fallen hero?)

seems i've been here before: mind full of thoughts, preventing me from sleeping. so i get up and have a bite to eat, to calm my stomach (turns out i was also a little hungry), and figure i'll try to capture some of those thoughts...

started seeing lisa again. second session today. part of me had been wondering why i am still struggling -- why hadn't i been "cured" yet? not surprisingly, i still have some deep-seeded issues with my dad.

it all goes back to my perfectionism, to me being overly critical of myself and my efforts. why haven't i been able to muster up the courage to go do those TIRFM experiments in the pollard lab? because i'm afraid of failing -- of not doing it right the first time, without any prior experience, and of having to "bother" someone to help me work the microscope. unrealistic expectations, for sure, but that's the background white noise going on inside my head.

but i knew that. i knew i am hard on myself -- harder than anyone could ever be. but why do i hold myself up to this unattainable ideal, when i am so easy and forgiving on my dad? i worried so much what he/they would think of me if i decided to drop out of grad school when he had given up being a doctor because of his alcoholism. i put him on a pedastal for overcoming his addiction and finding a way to lead a happy, healthy life, but am not angry at him for not being happy and healthy when i was growing up.

could this be true? that i am protecting him? why? perhaps it is because it is easier to control and be angry at myself, because, in theory, i have control over my behaviors and actions, while i cannot control my father. perhaps because being angry at him would be rocking the boat. but what do i do with this anger? with this resentment? with the knowledge and acceptance that my hero is human?

could this be the key to my continued struggles, and my unrealistic expectations i place upon myself? am i simply trying to be the perfect person i see/saw my father to be? hard-working (hardly ever home); very athletic (competed in numerous marathons and birkebinders); smart and respected in the community (was a doctor). turns out he eschewed his responsibilities as a father, never won any of those races, and failed his boards the first time. but is that why i feel like i'm slacking if i'm home before 7, if i skip a day of working out, if i don't get something right the first time. etc etc.

this idea gave me pause -- what am i missing out on by devoting myself so blindly to being perfect? (and by beating myself up for not achieving it, in the process?) if i weren't so fanatical about working out and training for / competing in frisbee, i'd have nights and weekends free to do so much... i could actually go hiking instead of just reading and dreaming about it. i could *read* -- books, newspapers, magazines. i could cook myself dinner. catch up with old friends on the phone or in person. clean my apartment. run errands. take up a new hobby. plant a garden. get a dog. meet someone and have time to spend with him -- and if i weren't so devoted to being perfect, i might actually be emotionally available and stable enough to create a long-lasting relationship. wow.

so difficult...sorting out what *i* truly want to do, *my* inner drive, from my preconceived notions of what will impress other people -- most importantly, my father. did i work out today because i felt i had to, or because i really and truly wanted to get in shape for ultimate?

well, one thing's for sure: getting all these thoughts out has made me sleepy. funny how that works...