moving on (wedding day)

so much for love, guess i've been wrong
but it's all right, 'cuz i'm moving on
i've got my car all packed with cassette tapes
and sweaters and loose change and cheap cigarettes
and i'm gonna drive thru the hills with my hand out
the window and sing till i run out of words.
i'm gonna stop at every truck stop, make small talk with waiters
and truck driving men.
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat w/ noone around but me and my friends
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day, yeah
yeah, i've had enough of love, it feels good to give up
so good to be good to myself
and i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
and plenty of visions i mind
and i'm gonna drive to the ocean, go skinny dipping
blow kisses to venus and mars
i'm gonna stop at every bar and flirt the cowboys in front their good friends
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day, yeahh
so much for love, i guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on
i'm gonna drive over hills, over mountains, and canyons
and boys that keep bringin me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine, drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by, never ever ever again
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be so grand

it's gonna be just like my wedding day

(rosie thomas
"wedding day")

selfish

man is by nature selfish. survival of the fittest. kill or be killed. anything to get ahead. but nowadays at least (perhaps not back in caveman times), man also has morals, and so the question arises, how selfish is too selfish? where does the line between looking out for yourself and being too nice lie?

things so complicated

how did frisbee get so messy? how did something, that is supposed to be pure fun, get so complicated? how is it my release and my source of stress at the same time?

no one was blaming me for wanting to play with the best, to improve my game, to go far, when i was trying out for godiva. maybe that was because i wouldn't be playing against them. now that i've decided i don't want that kind of time committment, and that chinstrap isn't an option, i'm getting all this flak from CT people. i feel like they wouldn't have given me shit if i were still playing for chinstrap, either. maybe i'm just imagining it, but i can't help but feel like people are going to hate me if i choose another team (slow white) over new haven co-ed. and i don't know why i can't just play with them and be happy and let that be the end of it. i don't know why i have to go and seek out something different (and new and exciting and better...there's always better, i'm never satisfied). slow white will be a better team, although this year's new haven team will be TONS better than pie was. am i snob for wanting to play with the best? but if i wanted to play for the best, i'd try out for monkeys. slow white is good and fun. so so so much fun. not that new haven isn't or wouldn't be fun. just not as much fun. sigh. i don't know.

am i dissing them, just like i've been dissed? am i doing this because i can? am i feeling so bad, when i shouldn't, because that's what i see myself doing?

between the bars

Drink up, baby, stay up all night.
With the things you could do,
You won't but you might.
The potential you'll be,
That you'll never see,
The promises you'll only make.

Drink up with me now,

And forget all about

The pressure of days.
Do what I say,
And I'll make you okay,
And drive them away
(The images stuck in your head:
People you've been before
That you don't want around anymore—
That push and shove and won't bend to your will.
I’ll keep them still).

Drink up, baby, look at the stars.
I'll kiss you again
Between the bars,
Where i'm seeing you there,
With your hands in the air,
Waiting to finally be caught.
Drink up one more time,
And I'll make you mine.

Keep you apart,
Deep in my heart,
Separate from the rest,
Where I like you the best,
And keep the things you forgot.
The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore—
That push and shove and won't bend to your will.
I'll keep them still.

(ELLIOTT SMITH - Between the Bars)

prayer flag

when a prayer flag flaps in the breeze, it is said that prayers on the flag are carried off by the wind to all beings. but what happens when you burn a prayer flag? do the prayers die? are small kittens tortured somewhere? is it sacrilegious to burn a prayer flag? (according to www.prayerflags.com, the proper way to dispose of an old flag is to burn it. hmmm...) what about pulling it apart one thread at a time, or shredding it in a paper shredder? is that OK as long as the fabric doesn't touch the ground?

indelible

remember peewee's playhouse? on saturday morning cartoons? and how they had a word of the day, and whenever someone said this word, everyone would scream? i'm resurrecting this concept in a feeble attempt to increase my "word power", such that i might someday sound eloquent enough to belong at my current ivy league home (maybe by the time i leave). except that i'm not a scrawny pedophile, i don't have a playhouse, and i also tend to scream at random words like "pipette", "diskdrive", and "it", so it may not be clear to others what the word of the day is. anyway...

today's word is "indelible". according to the OED, it means that which "cannot be deleted, blotted out, or effaced; ineffaceable, permanent" such as a stain, or ink. tattooing leaves an indelible mark on the skin. "indelible" can also be used with regards to character or reputation, often in a negative fashion: "accursed with indelible infamy". feelings and impressions can also be indelible; i especially enjoyed the examples of "indelible" used in this sense: "Most grateful and indelible Sense of a long and intire Friendship" (evelyn, 1697), "I have so many and so indelible impressions of your favour to me" (Donne, 1631), "Such an event makes an indelible impression" (D'Israeli, 1847). these were really great sentences, because they reminded me of why i was drawn to the word in the first place.

i actually heard the word in its adverbial form in a Decemberists song, "Clementine": "and i watch as you sleep / so indelibly deep". and i didn't know what the word meant, but i liked the sound of it, so i looked it up and liked the sound of it even more.

you see, shit happens that stays with you forever. good and bad, literally and figuratively. and this is indelible in action. accidents that leave scars are obviously indelible in a physical manner, but if they're traumatic enough, they'll probably leave a mental mark as well. fear, love, happiness, sadness, close-calls, elating adventures, enticing aromas, foul smells, breathtaking vistas, horrific sights, ear-piercing sounds, and heart-wrenching melodies. anything that evokes a strong emotion has a good chance of also evoking indelibleness. try as you might to erase these blemishes, to wash them away, they stubbornly remain, studding your character with nails that drive deep into your being, becoming part of your essence, shaping who you are, coming back to haunt you in the middle of the night, or while you're walking down the street on a nice day.

indelible phenomena are ineffacable, permanent, there's no undoing them. once the damage has been done, there is no going back. you can try to rebuild the house from the rubble that remains, but once you've shaken the foundation, that house will never be the same. this is especially true with friendships. building trust is a lot like building a foundation. and like a house without a sturdy foundation, a friendship without trust is flimsy and prone to collapse. foundations can be rebuilt, trust can be regained, but it takes time.

yes, to be fair, i should acknowledge the ever-powerful force of time and its effect on all things indelible. with time, the trauma or elation at the root of indelibleness fades. we can face our fears again, and we forget what drew us to something (or someone) in the first place. with each new morning, with each passing day, we take one step further away from the past and one step closer to the future, which holds its own share of indelible events -- the majority of which we can only hope are positive.

indelible. what a beautiful word.