quiet breeds discontent

a rare quiet evening.

sitting on the couch, the one i don't think needs replacing. starting at the dark TV, the one i didn't think needed to be so wide-screen or high-def (and thus expensive). clutching my phone, the one that needs to be fixed or replaced, but i am too lazy/cheap/indecisive to do so. ignoring the carpet that needs vacuuming, the enabling purchase another one i am procrastinating.

lately i've been thinking:
"so this is it?"

and struggling with:
materialism

and lacking:
conviction

the view on this road is great, but i'm fast approaching a blind curve and all i can think about is what's around the bend. does the view get better? does the road lead straight off a cliff? i think my greatest fear is it's the same(1). and this is it. i might as well stop driving/running/breathing and just let the scenery scroll past me in the background, the wind blow into my lungs. it would be easier to simply be still, you know.

i'm trying to diet and i was hoping things would be easier by now (day 14). the cravings, the hunger -- aren't they supposed to abate? the meal-planning, the food shopping, the preparation, cooking...necessities for a healthier lifestyle! but oh so time-consuming. sometimes it is uplifting, that i can do this (not eat breadstuff). other times i am reminded that manipulating my diet is one way i attempt to gain a (false?) sense of control over my life. because that road i'm on? i don't always feel like i'm the driver.

[my recurring nightmare is one in which i'm behind the wheel of a car whose breaks don't function properly. i press and i stomp and i lurch and i veer but control of the vehicle is just outside my grasp. i can feel the anxiety now, just thinking about it. who or what am i afraid of hurting in these dreams? myself? my passengers? innocent bystanders? or i am driving my parents' car (e.g.) and i don't want them to know i lost control?]

not as many blog posts these days, because quiet nights on the couch are fewer and farther between. job, relationship, hobby, diet...they occupy physical and mental time-space. (just imagine kids! is there any time-space left?)

i feel overwhelmed by my possessions frequently, because i cannot categorize or organize or arrange/store them to my liking. my analytically-minded liking. everything must go into a box, and a box onto a shelf, accessibility determined by frequency of use. i should just throw things away, because i can't find them even when that rainy day comes and i need them.

but the person i live with doesn't feel that way and i don't feel strongly enough about this (or many things, in fact) to convince them to do it my way. cable, movie channels, how many boxes of crap to keep and where to put them all, kitty litter brand, when the dishes get done, whose turn it is to take out the garbage (or how full it needs to be before it gets taken out)...conceding is often easier than the conversation/argument. because i am sick of feeling crazy.

i need conviction(s). rules to live by. so i know what to stand up for (spend less money on things!) and what to concede on (kitty litter brand). so i feel less crazy.

although, a rule is currently guiding my dietary habits, and look how well that's going for me (almost too hungry to write a logical conclusion).

(1) or that the scenery gradually declines, changes so subtly, you've driven hundreds or thousands of miles before you notice. i'd prefer the drama of a cliff, thank you.

learning by meandering

the foot bone's connected to the leg bone...the leg bone's connected to the knee bone...

but the knee bone is also connected to ligaments and tendons, and tendons to muscles. speaking of muscles,  what makes them cramp? burn? get bigger/faster/stronger? how long do you really need to rest between sets? training days? does foam rolling really work?

how did i get here again? oh right, the foot bone...

this is how i learn these days. i wonder if my brain has been morphed by the hyper-linked format of information delivery of the present, or if it was always this way and i just forced it into a paper-text-book-shaped hole in my college days. i think it's the latter: i recall working on a project one summer to create an animated, electronic text-book, replete with links. a choose your own adventure approach to learning, if you will.

it's a bit like going for a drive with no destination in mind, just wanting to visit all the side streets along the way. it's easy to get lost, or forget how you got where you are. breadcrumbs help. or notes. or a map. it's easy to follow a trail too far, without synthesizing all you've come across. good to zoom out on that google map once in a while and make sure you're at least heading in the "right" direction.

The spark that started this fire of learning was signing up to take the Beer Judge Certification Program (BJCP) Beer Judging (i.e. Tasting) Exam in December. And before then, I must take the on-line Beer Judge Entrance Exam, which requires me to know the brewing process and the various beer styles in detail. There really still isn't anything like a test to motivate you to learn, as I've been "meaning" to learn more about these topics since I began working at a brewery in November. Yeah, I've made some progress. But now there is a date, a deadline, a goal...so progress is more rapid.

This week I am attempting to "focus" on Mashing. It's related to Malting and body / mouth-feel perception, foam/head retention, water chemistry, etc. So while I will take some detours here & there, I am trying to stay on the path that leads to a greater understanding of Mashing. Huzzah.