the science of beer

the cool thing about scientists is that they can make anything geeky, and thus justifiable. including drinking beer.

i went to this talk last night at the New York Academy of Sciences (NYAS for the initiated) entitled, "The Science of Beer". it was given by this brittish guy who's studied beer brewing for like 20 years. what a cool job. his specialty is the malting process and hops, as opposed to guys who study the yeast that gets added to beer.

fun facts: lagers and ales get different yeasts added to them. lagers are brewed with Saccharomyces pastorales and ales are concocted with S. cerevisiae. i'm sure i've spelled those wrong and will go to molecular biology hell for it. anyway, i did not know that a different strain of yeast was added to different beers. cool. barley is the main source of sugar, but brewers also add rice, corn, and rye to name a few. in fact, celiacs can enjoy a wheat-free beer made from sorghum. bet that's the best news they've heard in a long time.

the small amount of protein present in the barley hull is responsible for the creamy delicious head that beer is known for. proteins interact with the oils from the hops to stabilize the foam. chemistry is so cool.

oh: always poor your beer into a glass. beer does not get better with age, so drink it right away. brown bottles are better than green at protecting beer from oxidation. keep your beer cold. boddington's won't taste good unless you're in manchester, england.

i've decided that working for a brewing company would be an acceptable form of employment. anchor, if you're reading, i can be reached at kbfreder@yahoo.com. i can start immediately. thanks.

one note about the venue: NYAS's new location is at 7 World Trade Center. in other words, right next to Ground Zero. creepy. we were on the 40th floor in this brand-spanking new building (2006) and you could look down on where the twin towers used to stand. the building we were in felt like it was right out of a tom cruise movie. there were security turnstiles in the lobby, which the guy opened for us. he told us which elevator to get into. we found the doors open and waiting for us, and there was no number-pad with buttons for each floor -- he had already programmed it to take us to the 40th floor. that was creepy, too! i mean what if we were the good guys and he was the bad guys, and he took us to the wrong floor, where Dr. Evil was waiting to kill us, or he decided to crash the elevator or not let us out or something? very weird to not be in control.

yeah, so i love beer and the science of beer, and i was at Ground Zero yesterday. cool.

ms. nice gal

sean texted me, out of the blue: "Any chance you might consider helping me bone up on some math?" and then, 5 minutes later, "I would realllly appreciate it. I take a placement exam this week."

what's a nice gal to do? does she be, well, nice and help the guy out? or does she avoid the potentially messy situation and say no?

why does she feel the need to be nice? and why the need to be nice to him, he who hurt her.

unsure of his motivations. is this a pretense for getting together, a chance to see me? or does he really truly need help and i am his only option?

sloppy's words of wisdom: you are of best service to others when you are doing what you truly want. and then communicate that to them clearly.

what *do* i want?

i think i say no. i think the situation is just weird. i don't really know him all that well (we "dated", if you could call it that, for all of 2 weeks). i don't consider him a friend. and why do a favor for a not-friend ex-boyfriend? if it were jon, sure. even dan parker. but sean? i don't think so.

but saying no is still hard. and i do crave drama. i think i'll sleep on it.

Winter Sun

Winter Sun
pale in your color
weak in your intensity
gone so quickly
beneath the horizon

Winter Sunset
signalling the end of
another day
dispelling any hope of
more to be done today
in the Sun

another day
gone

Winter Sun
you are there
but i cannot feel you
like i feel the Summer Sun
are you fake?
or do i simply
cease to feel
in the Winter?

Winter Sunset
the last rays of daylight
grasping weakly at the horizon
fighting the pull of time

time pulls at me
i am weak
the last rays of me

gone

what about me?

just when you thought i was going to have one of those "normal" blogs, in which i just talk about what i do on my weekends, etc., BAM! i come back with an introspective post about my latest "revelation" in therapy.

this week's musing is about how i make myself and my needs small, forgotten, overlooked in the face of others. happened with fi, happened with sean, is happening with edwin. has happened before, will happen again, unless/until i do something about. has nothing to do with the other person -- they can be as passive or as aggressive or as manipulative as they want and i will react the same. i choose to not see certain behaviors, opting instead to paint my own rosy picture of how great a roommate fi will be, or how wonderful a boyfriend sean is, or how responsible a roommate edwin is. these people and these situations all have their plus-sides, otherwise i'd be totally crazy to put up with any of them for any amount of time.

fi was totally crazy to live with, her anal rules, i could do nothing right. but she was a good friend and had a nice vision of how she wanted the apartment. sean would "push my buttons", make fun of me in overt, over-the-top ways, about sensitive issues, too. but i chose to overlook this in favor of his fun-loving, conversational ways. i feel like edwin doesn't do his fair share of cleaning, shopping, or up-keep around the apartment, but it's easier for me to be annoyed by this and/or do it all myself rather than speak up and rock the boat. for example, most recently, i finished putting up the window insulation, after i gave edwin an out for not doing the last part of his share. i feel like my mom, the martyr, when i do that. but he is laid-back, so i know i'm probably not annoying him, which makes me feel comfortable. and he is fun to hang out with and a great person to talk to, bounce ideas off of.

i've spoken up before. it hasn't killed me and in fact has made my life easier. but it continues to be SO HARD for me to say, "hey, you're not being fair/nice/considerate of my feelings. this is what i want/need." nope no uh-uh, not gonna happen without some major effort and energy on my part.

it's not just about speaking up, though. with fi and sean, my ignoring my needs & wants, i put myself into very difficult situations. i need to be more realistic and not be afraid to say "no, i can't handle that." instead of thinking i'm superwoman and can make anything work and my life will turn out all shiny and happy.

weekend at Mt. Snow

at Mt. Snow in VT with Pass & Farina, and Pass' parents. also met Farina's parents this weekend. was calling Pass and Farina Christine and Chris by the end of the weekend.

highlights of the w/e: TV. sleeping in. eating. snowshoeing, but not before getting stuck in the ditch and having no fewer than 6 snowmobilers literally lift my car up and out of said ditch. getting a mondo blister. pocket malfunction, trapping my keys inside said pocket. opening door to and driving car with key still inside pocket. delicious dinner. candle-pin bowling. more beer and TV. sleeping in again. breakfast at Dots in Dover. to farina's: meeting his parents, and his cat sophie. NH. almost eating 3 dozen wings at the brew-pub. beautiful sunset.

one thing i don't like about me

every once in a while we come to realize something about ourselves that we don't like. and i'm not talking about that gray hair you just found behind your ear, the cellulite on your thighs, the zit that's erupted on your forehead. i'm talking the lying, the cheating, the dishonesty. to varying degrees of severity, sure, but it's all bad.

for me, this came most recently in the realization that i am fairly promiscuous. there are some things i have done, with men, usually while drunk, that i am not too proud of. this was made clear to me in a blatant fashion by sean, this guy i may or may not be dating. he keeps probing my "slutty" past, teasing me about it, bringing it up. it was one incident in particular that he was aware of, that i tried to explain to him (because this incident was not consensual and so i feel not my fault), that caused our falling out. i don't want to get into details here, but suffice it to say, it is not a pretty story, even by my standards. (side note: i don't know how it came up in conversation...damn alcohol.)

i composed an e-mail to him this morning, explaining the situation in question, as i saw it -- because i thought the root of our conflict was in his misunderstanding my role in this. in writing this, i realized that i was trying to convince him that i wasn't "slutty", but in actuality, i am. i do sleep around. say he believes me that i didn't do anything wrong in this particular incidence. what about the next man/time/situation he finds out about? the bigger issue here is that i am constantly having to explain myself to him, to defend my past, to apologize for who i was and maybe, probably, still am.

really, he shouldn't be asking questions he can't handle the answer to. does he really want to know how many guys i've slept with? he is/has been putting me in a very difficult position: do i answer him truthfully and face his displeasure and the consequences that brings? or do i lie, and from then on dance around the issue, try to remember all the lies i've told to him about my sexual past, so i don't slip up and reveal my hand?

the truth is, i don't totally regret having been / still being promiscuous. i've met a lot of cool guys and had a lot of fun. i could psychoanalyze the reasons why i am so, but that's beyond my intended scope of this post, so let's just content ourselves to note that, at one time or another, it's boosted my self-esteem, made me feel desirable and attractive, and given me more confidence in my body and myself. it's unfortunate that i've had to resort to sex to derive these benefits, but that's how it is/has been.

furthermore, i am not the only woman of my generation to behave in this sexually "liberated" manner. in the era of "sex in the city", women can feel not only free to partake in numerous, varied sexual experiences and partners, but to feel proud of it. we have certainly become more than just sex symbols, but we are still sex symbols, and there is power in that, and we have figured out how to use that power to our benefit. i'm not talking about sleeping with your boss to get ahead. i'm talking about getting free dinners and having a little fun. with this message, with this influence, how is my behavior so bad -- or at least so surprising? it is still "bad" and morally reprehensive to some, but to others it is acceptable and admirable.

i don't know. i don't know what will happen between sean and i -- currently he is "disgusted" with me, for what he perceives i have done in the past. i don't know if i should try to mend our rift; i don't know that i want to apologize for who i've been or justify my past behaviors. i don't know if i want to continue being "slutty"; i don't know if i want to give it up.

perhaps the title of this post is misleading. being promiscuous is not necessarily something i don't like about myself. for sure, being loose has gotten me into some situations the outcome of which i regret. perhaps the moral of this story is that i shouldn't ever have to apologize for who i am -- whether that be more or less promiscuous than people would like me to be.