what about me?

just when you thought i was going to have one of those "normal" blogs, in which i just talk about what i do on my weekends, etc., BAM! i come back with an introspective post about my latest "revelation" in therapy.

this week's musing is about how i make myself and my needs small, forgotten, overlooked in the face of others. happened with fi, happened with sean, is happening with edwin. has happened before, will happen again, unless/until i do something about. has nothing to do with the other person -- they can be as passive or as aggressive or as manipulative as they want and i will react the same. i choose to not see certain behaviors, opting instead to paint my own rosy picture of how great a roommate fi will be, or how wonderful a boyfriend sean is, or how responsible a roommate edwin is. these people and these situations all have their plus-sides, otherwise i'd be totally crazy to put up with any of them for any amount of time.

fi was totally crazy to live with, her anal rules, i could do nothing right. but she was a good friend and had a nice vision of how she wanted the apartment. sean would "push my buttons", make fun of me in overt, over-the-top ways, about sensitive issues, too. but i chose to overlook this in favor of his fun-loving, conversational ways. i feel like edwin doesn't do his fair share of cleaning, shopping, or up-keep around the apartment, but it's easier for me to be annoyed by this and/or do it all myself rather than speak up and rock the boat. for example, most recently, i finished putting up the window insulation, after i gave edwin an out for not doing the last part of his share. i feel like my mom, the martyr, when i do that. but he is laid-back, so i know i'm probably not annoying him, which makes me feel comfortable. and he is fun to hang out with and a great person to talk to, bounce ideas off of.

i've spoken up before. it hasn't killed me and in fact has made my life easier. but it continues to be SO HARD for me to say, "hey, you're not being fair/nice/considerate of my feelings. this is what i want/need." nope no uh-uh, not gonna happen without some major effort and energy on my part.

it's not just about speaking up, though. with fi and sean, my ignoring my needs & wants, i put myself into very difficult situations. i need to be more realistic and not be afraid to say "no, i can't handle that." instead of thinking i'm superwoman and can make anything work and my life will turn out all shiny and happy.