i am not superwoman

i had somewhat of a major realization today in my session with lisa: i can't do everything i want to and do it all well. you'd think i'd have realized that by now, but it really only hit me today. i've been setting myself up for failure all this time, thinking i can work long hours in lab, get a good workout in, cook myself dinner, and go out with my friends every day. and i was shocked to realize that i can't go up to boston or elsewhere nearly every weekend to play ultimate and party and expect to not be tired on mondays.

seriously, this past weekend, i didn't get any sleep friday night, got up early saturday, drove up to boston, had an intense 8-hour meeting with slow white, drank and partied 'til 1, passed out, played goaltimate in the freezing cold for over 2 hours, drove back to CT, played in a winter league game, drove back to new haven, and watched football with sean. and i slept 'til 10:30 monday and beat myself up for being lazy and felt like i was relapsing in depression or anemia because i was tired all day. sheesh!

the past two years of my life suddenly made sense: no wonder i didn't get as much done in lab as i would have liked -- i was too busy playing ultimate, training for ultimate, or recovering from ultimate. between leaving early on fridays for some far-off tournament and being too exhausted on mondays to really function, ultimate took up more time than just the playing itself. no wonder i've been so stressed out about lab: here i was choosing to devote all this time and energy to ultimate and yet i couldn't understand why i wasn't working as hard as grad students who had nothing else going on in their life. i couldn't accept the fact that i had chosen something which had the consequence of affecting my productivity in lab. i couldn't understand why i couldn't do both, so i beat myself up over it. if i could just accept the fact that i choose ultimate, maybe i could accept the consequences as well -- instead of deluding myself into thinking i can do both, as i've been doing all this time. other people might be able to do it, but not me. this much i know now.

so i can't do it all. yes, but as lisa pointed out, does it have to be all or nothing? is there a way i could reduce my expectations -- i.e. on a monday after an ultimate weekend, expect myself not to get into lab until 1pm. that way, i wouldn't be setting myself up for failure and an excuse to beat myself up. would i be happy playing ultimate at a less competitive level? making my PhD more of a priority certainly doesn't mean i have to give up all ultimate. or, could i still play with slow white, but give up some other things? i.e. don't play in summer league, don't go to fun tournaments, don't go up to practice early & come home right after, skip a tournament or practice if i can/must.

this is all very interesting, and got me thinking: why do i choose to play ultimate? why do i feel compelled to play at the highest level available to me? is it because *I* want to, is it because i enjoy it, or is it because i feel others expect me to or because i'm trying to impress people?

regardless of my true motivation, playing competitive ultimate is such a huge sacrifice. do i get enough out of it to justify all that i give up for it? the progress of my PhD most certainly suffers because i choose to play competitive ultimate. as does my social life here in new haven/CT. but i gain my large and important social life up in boston, which i find very satisfying. hmmm.

as is apparent from reading this, and as lisa rightfully pointed out, i appear to have trouble making and accepting sacrifices that are inherent with making a choice. i simply think i can have it all, try to, and expect to, and when i don't get it all, i'm angry, depressed, and i beat myself up. why is that? why do i have such trouble accepting that choices necessarily preclude other possibilities?