breakthrough (#2?)

some people say that depression is simply misplaced anger. anger towards your friend, your spouse, your parent, your boss, or the world in general becomes directed inward, and you sink into a self-hate-filled depression. seems simple enough. but i was not prepared for the power of understanding the source of that anger.

i thought i hated myself, and just need to learn to be easier on myself. turns out i was angry at my dad. ergo, my depression = misplaced anger toward my father, for being an alcoholic.

it all fits. it all makes sense. i am angry at him for becoming an alcoholic.

if he hadn't become an alcoholic, he wouldn't have pushed me so hard in track and XC. if he hadn't pushed me so hard, i wouldn't have become anorexic. if i hadn't become anorexic, i would never have become a compulsive over-eater. if i weren't an over-eater, i wouldn't be fat. if i weren't fat, i would be happy. i blame my father for my unhappiness, for my failure, for everything.

i thought, just the other night, with memories of parents coming to sporting events fresh in my mind, if only i could go back in time...i would train harder...i would win state. i would do intervals until i puked. i wouldn't fail this time. i would be good enough.

but the thing is, i would never be good enough -- never good enough for my father. and that is not *my* shortcoming, but *his*. his unrealistic expectations are his issues. not mine.

anger. i am angry. at my dad.

i don't quite know what to do with my anger. i don't quite know what to do with anger in general, let alone this huge, monster of an anger that has been living beneath the surface inside of me for so long now. (over 10 years) do i hit something? scream? cry? go for a hard run? eat? yell at my dad -- let him know how angry i have been at him? or do i quietly forgive him, and move on? do i recognize that his being an alcoholic did not make me do anything?

how i responded is how i responded. true, if he hadn't been an alcoholic, things would have turned out much differently. but for the better and for the worse. maybe i wouldn't have the same work ethic, maybe i wouldn't be at Yale, and maybe i wouldn't be on slow white. will i recognize that i am free to be who i want to be now, that he has changed and so can i? that with forgiveness comes peace, and the chance to build something new and better.

regardless of how i choose to respond and deal with my anger, i feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest. i am freed of a terrible, oppressive secret. i do not think that i am "cured" and that i will magically wake-up tomorrow and my life will be perfect, or that 6 months from now i will have lost 40 pounds, or anything like that. but i am changed in some significant, deep way. it's like i'm taking off a pair of tinted sunglasses and seeing the true colors of the world around me for the first time. i am still the same, the world is still the same, but i am seeing it in a different light. a door has opened before; possibilities have been created by the recognition and acceptance of this anger.

it's strange to think how long it's been there without me really noticing it. and why i've refused to notice it, and why i've gone to the lengths i have to conceal it. the human mind will do amazing things in times of stress.

like misplace anger.