teamwork, support, parents

it's been a while...

i don't feel stuck anymore. i went up in dosage on my meds (anti-depressants) and i've seen an effect. i don't feel like sleeping 12+ hours a day. i am in much better spirits. more energy, more motivated. i can make decisions. i'm a little concerned about having to go up in dosage already (i guess it's been 8 months), but if it helps make things easier, then OK.

mom and dad were here to visit! wed-sun, left today. was really good to see them, to have them come see where i live, my new home. new england really does feel like my home now. i also got to explore some new places: lighthouse park in new haven; mystic, CT; newport, RI. i also am becoming more proficient and comfortable driving in boston -- minor victory. i felt like the parent at times and they the children. i guess that's how you know you're getting old. we don't talk about mushy stuff very well, so we just have to spend a lot of time together, and stuff comes out. stories...

for example about how far women's lib has come in my parent's lifetime. when my mom was young, women became a nurse or a teacher -- that was it, no other choices. i do think she makes a good nurse, but it's funny that she never gave anything else much thought. and it's funny to think how different my life would be if i had those sort of gender and generational expectations upon me: to settle down, to marry, to have kids, to be a housewife. i don't really have this burning, driving desire to be a mom, or if i do have kids, to stay at home and raise them. i dunno, maybe it will come with the inevitable ticking of the biological clock, but there is so much else i want to do before committing the rest of my life to raising a child.

back to me and my parents not being very communicative. i had prepared speeches in my mind before they arrived, as to how i was going to tell them that i drank, but responsibly, not to worry. but it didn't come up. dad got teary when i dropped them off at the airport. what was that all about? proud how grown-up i am? we can't say these things to each other. i can't say to him how proud i am of him for overcoming his addiction. sometimes i just want to give up, but he battled through and is doing well. i don't care that he is no longer a doctor and doesn't make six figures a year. he has found a way to live a healthy and happy life, and for that, he is my hero.

but there are some things missing from our relationship, and i'm beginning to see that i can look for those things elsewhere...with my frisbee friends/team, for example. i like that we are very communicative, not afraid to say thank you and to give feedback, positive reinforcements, tell each other how awesome one another is...miller nearly made my day today twice when he first complemented me on my backhand dump to him during the scrimmage, and second when i was practicing my backhand hucks and he said, "Nice, Kendra!" i can tell them about little things, share with them my feelings -- they understand and can relate -- and they give me the love and support i need to grow into a better frisbee player, and a better person.

side note: my flick is getting so so so so so much better. obviously, i've just had to put in a lot of throwing-time to find what works for me and then to get it consistent. but i really think it's been the supportive environment of slow white that's allowed me to finally figure it out. i mean, what has stopped me before? i think it's that i was so good at the other aspects of the game that i was afraid of looking "dumb" or "bad" in front of people by throwing my flick. and so i kept not throwing my flick. and it didn't improve. also, there are some very good throwers on slow that have taken the time to work with me, or at least have given my flick some thought and made some very insightful comments. b/c on ramona, i felt semi-comfortable working on it, but didn't have the correct guidance/advice, and on chinstrap the throwers were there, but their desire to help and my comfort-level were not. hooray for slow!

the same can be said of my new lab. i feel like it's so much more of a team effort than andrew's lab. somehow the fact that we all share buffers is important -- it shows that we trust each other's capabilities at the bench. our open discussion about our experiments shows that we value each other's opinions as scientists. enrique expects a lot out of each of us and we all have to work hard to earn his respect and that of our colleagues. i never got that impression from andrew. and so it was hard to motivate, and hard to respect the other people in lab sometimes. (plus, i still feel like they have no idea what's going on with IAPP, and you got to figure that shit out before you can be doing the more complicated stuff like he's trying to have some of us/them do...) teamwork. all helping each other, but also doing a lot on our own to raise the level of the group.

eating: it's been OK. actually, it's been a lot better as my mood's improved and my motivation to get in shape has increased. tonight was somewhat of an exception, but i think i was a little over-hungry and very tired...

speaking of which, i should get to bed. good night.