stuck

i've been here before. seemingly doing OK on the outside, a total mess on the inside. spinning my wheels. i just can't get control...no wonder why i have those dreams about driving a car that's out of control, or leading a group of people except not knowing where i'm going...

the warning signs are clear: bingeing. uncontrolled, daily.

patterns. behaviors. situations. life? me?

i still focus an enormous amount on my body -- very negative body image. i've given up on those self-help books. there is some truth to them; there is usually some underlying issue (you don't hate your body, you hate yourself for some reason). but i feel like i've figured out what my issues are, but i still can't stop eating.

my issues:
1) i will never be good enough. i must be the best, and i can't meet this impossibly high standard. learning to settle.
2) i will never be good enough in lab. self esteem tied to results, not effort or intelligence. these are often out of my control. pleasing enrique. putting in enough time. getting enough done. reading enough papers. blah.
3) i will never be good enough at frisbee. i am too fat to run fast. my throws suck.

countering these negative thoughts:
- i'm OK. people like me. i must be good/loveable.
- i am doing very well in lab. can't be the best in everything. focus on the steps, the process. not the end results. every day counts...i can do little things every day to learn more, get closer to graduating.
- i said in group that the #1 thing i can do to get better at frisbee is to lose weight. and this is not true. i can get in shape without losing any weight. i can work on my throws. i can rehab my ankle.

in my dream fantasy world where i am skinny, i am loved by all. especially guys. i turn the heads of men. they all want me. i am fast and good at ultimate.

why is this feeling of "fat" so present in my life? why do i think about it so often? when sitting at my desk? when having Ikko help me with expts (she is a super-skinny japanese girl)? when at the gym? when ordering coffee? when standing on the sidelines of a frisbee game? when drinking beers at the bar? when eating a salad?

if being skinny is something i want so bad, why can't i put my mind to it and lose weight?

food is like a drug to me. it calms me down; soothes me. comforts me, keeps me company. i am addicted, and i don't know what to do.

i feel like tom pollard today, when commenting on my project, and how hard ADP-actin was to work with and am i preparing it right?, just shot me down. made me feel like i was back in andrew's lab all over again. belittled everything i'd done so far. made all my results seem not real, a mistake. all a mistake. because *i* had done them.

it's not like i was seeking his approval. so i don't know why i'm so upset about it. fuck him. i gues it's just that i'm proud of what i've done so far -- i feel like i've been working hard and have been careful to get the results i have and for him to insinuate that i've done something really stupid (like incubating the ADP-actin for 3 hours with hexokinase)...but i can't have been doing something totally stupid, b/c enrique would have caught it. and that's how Ikko said she prepped ADP-actin so FUCK THAT.

tom just doesn't know how to talk to people. he may be smart and well-renown and all that shit, but he doesn't have people skills worth a darn. whatever. maybe i should go talk to him and be like, "well, how do you recommend i prepare ADP-actin then?"

it will all sort itself out...it'll be fine.

blah.