i exist and i get angry and that's OK

there are starting to be reoccuring themes in my sessions with lisa. one is that sometimes, i'm afraid to make space for myself -- to simply be. for example, i identified one of the reasons i find going over to the pollard lab to do TIRFM experiments is that i feel like i'm bothering people in that lab. upon further questioning, it came out that i felt that by simply being there in the lab, i was annoying people. which is ridiculous.

this irrational thought stems from the fact that when i was growing up, my dad would come home from work and place himself in front of the TV with a beer and not want to be bothered. and i became very attuned to this -- to not bothering my dad by asking questions about what was on TV, or by asking him to help me with my homework, or by simply trying to engage him in conversation. to this day i am very aware of how i affect other people simply by being and breathing. this is at the forefront of many roommate issues for me -- me feeling bad that i'm out in the living room, taking up space, or for taking too long in the bathroom, etc etc.

reocurring issue # 2 is my fear of other's anger, which goes hand in hand with my aversion to bothering people. the only thing worse than pestering my dad while he was watching TV was making him angry. oooo, watch out. he actually didn't get angry that often, not that i can remember, but when he did, it was an explosion. i'm pretty sure it was when he had been drinking, too. it was scary. i don't remember him being angry at me -- only my sister. not even my mom. i might be blocking stuff out. anyway, i am afraid of making other people angry, of upsetting them, of rocking the boat, of speaking up, of expressing anger myself. what if they explode at me like my dad exploded at my sister? what if i explode? gradually, i am coming to learn and truly accept that i can express my opinions and discontent with people and they will not tear my head off like i'm afraid they will. i am finding that when expressed in a civil manner, anger and discontent are often met with a curtious explanation, and not rage.

baby steps, progress, always learning.