Landmark Forum

don't have time to re-hash my thought on the Landmark Forum, which I attended this past weekend in Quincy, MA (pronounced "quin-zee" and not "quin-see"). so here is an excerpt from the e-mail i wrote to my sister about it:

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so. my weekend. my weekend was spent in a room with 74 other people, trying to desparately to be "transformed". because that's what we were promised, for $425. transformation. tools to live our lives with more satisfaction, more happiness, more good stuff. but we soon learned that solutions to problems present new problems, and that language like "more, better, different" are not what the Forum is about. and that we should expect to be on a roller coaster ride.

back up a step. i registered for the Forum because my roommate, edwin, is totally gung-ho about the Landmark Curriculum. the Forum is the first of 3 courses; he is in the 3rd and is also training to be a "Leader". whatever that means. the Forum is 3 long, full days (9am - 10pm) over the weekend (Friday, Sat, Sun) plus a 3-hour session on Tuesday night (tonight). we are told we will have breakthroughs. who couldn't use a breakthrough? i'm unproductive as shit in lab, i can't eat right, and i've really only dated one guy in my life and that ended disasterously. what do i have to lose (other than $425)?

let me introduce you to the forum leaders. Roger is a 62-year-old former pilot who has been leading forums for 28 years. we also come to learn that he is a vietnam veteran, has survived cancer (prostrate), has run the boston marathon something like 8 times, and was hit by a car and nearly died. his head is disturbingly too small for his body. or his body is just too large for his...no, his head is definitely too small for his body. his neck just becomes his head. and he is missing his left shoulder. i'm not sure how it's possible to be missing a shoulder, but he is. his face is all pinched -- it has to be to fit on his too-small head. roger is charismatic and mean.

Will is british. probably around 35 years old, but he could be older and just have a baby face. he is also a former pilot. it appears that he is a Forum Leader in training, because he does less of the talking and when he is talking, Roger interrupts him, sometimes meanly. when will is not talking (they are both usually up on stage, in directors' chairs, consulting a binder full of notes on a music stand), he is looking out at the audience, and when he does this, he reminds me of one of those Chuck-E-Cheese animatrons -- eyes unblinking, head turnings slowly yet deliberately, pausing for too long before turning his head to look at another part of the audience, fake half-smile stuck on his face. i try not to make eye contact with Will when he does this. we learn that he is divorced, and brought hte Landmark Forum to Belfast, which seems to be a big deal for some reason. as we get to know Will over the weekend (as he reads less from the binder and does more impromptu story-telling), his crazy British sense of humor becomes apparent, and he becomes real. he is funny.

there are all kinds of people in the Forum with me. a 38-year-old woman who is concerned that she isn't married with children yet. a 3rd-year graduate student who hates her program and wants to quit. a man with 3 children with 3 different woman wanting to be a better father. an over-weight menopausal woman who hasn't spoken to her sister in 13 years. a big, beefy guy afraid to confront his feelings. an old woman who is afraid of talking to and loving her daughter-in-law. a skeptical irish guy named Willie. two deaf women, one whose parents never learned sign language. i could go on. most of us are aware of the disfunctioning of our lives; some people aren't. some people are not sure why they're here. we are all unsure of what we're going to get.

the course begins. we are told we make up stories about what happens to us in our lives. someone looks at us funny -- they must hate us. my boss hasn't talked to me today -- he must be angry at me. we acsribe meaning to these happenings. when really, they have no meaning. we make up stories for other people about what their words or actions mean. maybe that guy just had gas, and maybe our boss is just stressed out and busy and is actually feeling guilty for not talking to you. but the point that the forum tries to drive home is that events, happenings HAVE NO MEANING. they are meaningless.

we are asked to examine times in our lives and people with whom we've been "inauthentic". (one quickly picks up on the fact that the Forum has its own language, and you'd better pick up on it quick if you're going to "get" what the hell it is they're talking about.) "authentic" loosely means: genuine, honest with yourself about who you are being. so "inauthentic" means you've been telling yourself a story (lie) about how you've been being. ("being" is another part of the Forum's vocabulary.) i come to realize i've been "inauthentic" with dad. i've been blaming him and his alcoholism for many if not all of my shortcomings -- for my faults, for what i can't accomplish, for why i'm inproductive in lab, for the weight i've gained since high school, for my fear of intimacy, etc etc. he pushed me hard in school and especially in running, and i took this to mean that he never thought i was good enough. i carry that with me today.

friday night our assignment (yes, after a 13-hour day, we have homework!) is to write a letter to someone with whom we've been inauthentic. i write Dad a letter, describing my realization. the next day, we are asked who would like to share our letter with the group. i raise my hand. i hadn't gotten emotional while writing the letter, but when i got up in front of everyone and starting reading it, i lose it. i start crying. i can't talk. wow. it finally hits me just how much i've been shutting dad out of my life. i haven't let myself love or be loved by him because i'm afraid of being hurt, of not being good enough, of not getting loved in return. i tearfully finish my letter (which was really sappy, btw), and Roger "coaches" me to call him during the next break. Yeah, right! i think, but i sit down. and think about it.

and somehow come to call home during the next break. my heart is pounding. i have the letter in front of me. i haven't even started to read the letter to dad and i start crying. i say, "I haven't been open to loving and being loved by you". he says, "oh no, you've been open." i say, "no. i think i've been putting a wall between us, not sharing." he says, "oh no, you've been sharing." i say, "no i've been blaming your alcoholism for all my faults". he says, "Oh no, you haven't been blaming me." he doesn't get that this phone call isn't about *him*, isn't about me trying to apologize for how this has impacted *him* -- it's about how this has impacted *me*, and for me to let go of it and get over it, i need to tell him and apologize. i acknowledge him for being a parent -- he did the best i could do, he expected a lot from me, and i turned out pretty good (we were supposed to do that). he said, "well, 90% of that was mom." when i was done, he did say thanks and that he appreciated the phone call. then we degenerated into chit-caht, but he did also say that "openness" hasn't been a problem for "the girls" (you and me), but that he thinks/is concerned that openness has been a problem with/for theran, since he was present and involved with more of dad's drinking than you or i. (he thinks you're open!)

i hung up, and cried some more. i was promised a miracle! i thought. my dad didn't even listen to me! he was supposed to become enlightened just like me! instead he started asking me about my anemia / iron levels! i realized that that was dad's way of saying he cared and was thinking about and was concerned with me. and that i couldn't change that aobut him, and that i had to accept that and not expect more. i can still be as loving and touchy-feely as a i want -- i just can't expect that in return. he a "teflon" dad, as my therapist puts it. you try to be profound, to go beneath the surface, and he resists, like teflon resists water and oil.

so that was my breakthrough and it happened early saturday morning. i did feel like a weight had been lifted, but i was waiting for the next breakthrough. for the next day and a half, they badgered us into calling everyone we could think of tell them about the forum and get them to come down tuesday night (when we can bring guests...and guess what? they try to get them to sign up for the Forum). it seemed like this huge pyramid scheme and markeing ploy to me. and the worst part is, they only "guaranteed" results if you were "unreasonable" and called up people and insisted they be here tuesday night. they said to say it was really important to you that these various people in your life were present. except i couldn't in good faith say that. i coudln't say to dad "It's really important to me you be here." they said to not make excuses, like my parents live in wisconsin and have to work. that's just a racket (another Forum-ism, which is a way of being plus a complaint that keeps us right, dominant, justified, or victorious -- and which allows us to avoid responsibility, and costs us love and vitality and self-expression). but it wasn't important to me. it's important to me that dad loves me and supports me, but i don't see coming to the Forum introduction as exclusively indicative of that.

so i sat through the rest of sat and most of sunday annoyed with all the marketing going on, all the pushing to call people. part of my annoyance was the feeling that i was "doing it wrong". that i was being disobedient by not calling anyone. i wasn't doing my homework! the horror! but how could i sell a product i didn't believe in?

i had invited this woman deb to share my hotel room saturday night. she lived in providence, a good hour's drive away, and i felt like i could spend time outside the forum with her. she shared my healthy skepticism yet willingness to give the forum a shot. we were both in the same place saturday night. not convinced, but still hopeful for tomorrow.

they saved the punchline for sunday afternoon. which is this: life is empty and meaningless, and it's empty and meaningless that it's empty and meaningless. very existential. i think they even quoted Sartre. but what sartre didn't get, they said, was that this emptyness, this nothingness, creates space for us to create who we want to be. this got very deep, very philosophical, very ontological (look it up -- i didn't know what that meant before this weekend, but it describes this part to a T). we create with our word, we create by declaration. we invent "possibilities" of how to be, and these possibilities call us into being. and these ways of being call us into action. it's very present-based. our stories are in the past, but we live into them; they define our future. we are always striving for something we will never have, a place we will never arrive at. once i lose weight, i'll be happy. once i meet the right person. once i get a "real" job. once i figure out what it is i want to do with my life. etc etc. but if instead, we focus on how we are being in the present, we will feel more powerful, more effective, less stressed. instead of worrying about being productive in lab and about eating and about dad, if i "create" the "possibility" of being responsible, passionate, and loving, those things take care of themselves. by being resonsible, passionate, and loving, i am called into action: productive in lab, excited about exercising and eating healthfully, not afraid of expressing myself with Dad.

this makes sense, at some level. and there is something to take from it, i think. if we see everything as empty and meaningless, suddenly nothing is a big deal. i didn't go into lab today. oh well, it's empty and meaningless. i wasn't popular in high school. oh well, it's empty and meaningless. it's liberating. but it's also very tiring and can be depressing to constantly remind yourself that everything is empty and meaningless.

the last bit of sunday night was about choosing. they made a distinction between choosing and deciding. deciding is when you select because of a reason; choosing is when you select freely after considerations -- essentially you choose because you choose. (there were a lot of circular definitions in the Forum, which irked me to no end.) which in some ways was liberating for me: oh god, which shampoo should i use? instead of making up some reason "well, i should this was is almost gone, i should really use it up," i think about which one i want, and then i choose it because i choose it. this frees the choice from guilt, empowers you instead of the reason. blah blah. it's also powerful when you have no choice. i choose dad the way he is because i choose dad the way he is. i have no choice; i can't change him, i have to accept him the way he is, but i also actively choose him the way he is. semantics, yes. but interesting and perhaps useful.

this is all well and good, but the problem with the Forum is that you can't argue with it. because conveniently, your resistance to or questioning of anything they say is construed as a Racket (you having to be right), or one of your Strong Suits (a strong suit is a quality you adopted in response to a traumatic event in your life -- you were made fun of in school; you became careful or super smart or witty or compassionate). they state that nothing they say is the truth; it's not right, it's not wrong -- but yet you can't call it untrue. very frustrating for the scientist in me, being of a curious and analytical nature.


so, that was my insanely intense weekend. and it's not over yet -- i have the 3-hour session tonight, and all i want to do is sleep right now. but i made a "committment" to be there, to see the Forum through to the end. and i'm dragging my friend and former roommate Yvonne along (she is interested in seeing what it's all about, since she dated Edwin briefly and has heard all about Landmark education), so at least i'll have company for the ride. this e-mail was much longer than intended for it to be, but it was good for me to sort this all out. i did get something out of the Forum, but it is really just applying a particular philosophical view to life, and i can't be convinced to adopt it as True. maybe you think i'm silly for spending $425 on a self-help seminar, but what can i say: i'm gullible and i was vulnerable.