one thing i don't like about me

every once in a while we come to realize something about ourselves that we don't like. and i'm not talking about that gray hair you just found behind your ear, the cellulite on your thighs, the zit that's erupted on your forehead. i'm talking the lying, the cheating, the dishonesty. to varying degrees of severity, sure, but it's all bad.

for me, this came most recently in the realization that i am fairly promiscuous. there are some things i have done, with men, usually while drunk, that i am not too proud of. this was made clear to me in a blatant fashion by sean, this guy i may or may not be dating. he keeps probing my "slutty" past, teasing me about it, bringing it up. it was one incident in particular that he was aware of, that i tried to explain to him (because this incident was not consensual and so i feel not my fault), that caused our falling out. i don't want to get into details here, but suffice it to say, it is not a pretty story, even by my standards. (side note: i don't know how it came up in conversation...damn alcohol.)

i composed an e-mail to him this morning, explaining the situation in question, as i saw it -- because i thought the root of our conflict was in his misunderstanding my role in this. in writing this, i realized that i was trying to convince him that i wasn't "slutty", but in actuality, i am. i do sleep around. say he believes me that i didn't do anything wrong in this particular incidence. what about the next man/time/situation he finds out about? the bigger issue here is that i am constantly having to explain myself to him, to defend my past, to apologize for who i was and maybe, probably, still am.

really, he shouldn't be asking questions he can't handle the answer to. does he really want to know how many guys i've slept with? he is/has been putting me in a very difficult position: do i answer him truthfully and face his displeasure and the consequences that brings? or do i lie, and from then on dance around the issue, try to remember all the lies i've told to him about my sexual past, so i don't slip up and reveal my hand?

the truth is, i don't totally regret having been / still being promiscuous. i've met a lot of cool guys and had a lot of fun. i could psychoanalyze the reasons why i am so, but that's beyond my intended scope of this post, so let's just content ourselves to note that, at one time or another, it's boosted my self-esteem, made me feel desirable and attractive, and given me more confidence in my body and myself. it's unfortunate that i've had to resort to sex to derive these benefits, but that's how it is/has been.

furthermore, i am not the only woman of my generation to behave in this sexually "liberated" manner. in the era of "sex in the city", women can feel not only free to partake in numerous, varied sexual experiences and partners, but to feel proud of it. we have certainly become more than just sex symbols, but we are still sex symbols, and there is power in that, and we have figured out how to use that power to our benefit. i'm not talking about sleeping with your boss to get ahead. i'm talking about getting free dinners and having a little fun. with this message, with this influence, how is my behavior so bad -- or at least so surprising? it is still "bad" and morally reprehensive to some, but to others it is acceptable and admirable.

i don't know. i don't know what will happen between sean and i -- currently he is "disgusted" with me, for what he perceives i have done in the past. i don't know if i should try to mend our rift; i don't know that i want to apologize for who i've been or justify my past behaviors. i don't know if i want to continue being "slutty"; i don't know if i want to give it up.

perhaps the title of this post is misleading. being promiscuous is not necessarily something i don't like about myself. for sure, being loose has gotten me into some situations the outcome of which i regret. perhaps the moral of this story is that i shouldn't ever have to apologize for who i am -- whether that be more or less promiscuous than people would like me to be.