how to grieve

grieving is selfish (and thus so is this post)

but does this matter when not-self (friend/family/foe) is gone?

others are left -- the survived-by's. they hold memorial services and funerals. what purpose(s) do they serve? to demonstrate past* admiration, respect, love, caring? what about the present* tense? that we admire, respect, love, and care for the survived-by's. but do they admire/respect/love/care that we admired/loved/cared/respected? furthermore, is presence, attendance, the showing of face at these memorial events required to demonstrate our past feelings? can feelings not be conveyed otherwise? at other times? in other venues? 

(*the present reflecting the past, an extension, a symbolic gesture! but how we presently feel about the past sways our future. how will we behave, based on how we feel about how we have behaved.)

a thought that often surfaces upon the death of a loved/admired/respected/cared-for one is, "what would he/she want me to do?" with respect to attending these memorial events, and how to grieve, carry on, live life in the after. but how many people do you know well enough to answer that question of? more often than truly being able to answer this question, we use it as an excuse for our choices. can we not admit that we don't really know sometimes?

he/she probably wants you to be happy if you loved/admired/respected/cared-for him/her and the feeling was mutual. but determining what makes you happy can be trickier than answering the original question.

the memorial event serves to celebrate a life. what happens if we don't hold one? the life evaporates, forgotten? the event cements memories. then we should have living memorials. i would like more memories now of my loved ones. why does this feel awkward? (the narcissism of having others talk about you, favorably?)

symbolism seems important in these situations. that much i cannot deny. symbolism of these ceremonies, dictated, passed down, and generally accept by society -- i suppose this provides some comfort. a routine, a procedure. you know what to expect. but equally important are the personal, individual symbols. 

my aunt is/was somewhat of a mystic, and when my grandfather died, she divulged to us that she could sense his presence, and he was henceforth embodied by the hawk. i don't believe in the mystical, yet i am drawn towards it. i find it comforting. to this day, whenever i see a hawk perched high on a tree or pole, watching over me, i like to think that it is my grandfather, watching over me, and that wherever i am going, he approves -- it is the right path. 

today, i decided to memorialize my uncle pete by going for a hike. (he liked hiking, and the outdoors. i'm happy he retired early and was able to enjoy more of this before he died.) not long into my hike, i came upon a lake, and i realized it was raining ever-so-slightly, despite the sun shining. a sun-shower. i smiled -- a new symbol was born. henceforth, whenever i'm caught in a sun-shower, it will be my uncle pete smiling down on me. it makes no sense, it has no logical explanation. but it will be how i keep him in my heart.