nationals: the playing

i did it. i survived another ultimate season. for some reason, this one seemed harder than years past. maybe it was because there was more on the line, because we were expecting more out of ourselves. maybe it was because more was expected of me, being on the O-line and contributing to the leadership of the team. maybe i had more invested in the outcome of the team. i was just struck, at various times over the weekend, how HARD it all is. it's a huge risk, to say, OK, i'm going to invest all this time, energy, money, reputation, into this....sport, that frankly many many people do not recognize or respect.* it would be so much easier to not do it. to stay at home, to not work out, to just go out to pick-up once in a while or maybe summer league, to not commute to practice or drive to tournaments, to not work on your throws, to just play on a team that's happy to get to regionals. to not care. to not try. to not risk failing.

because frankly, it SUCKS to not reach your goal. our goal was to win, to take first. it SUCKED losing both our games on friday, and being around the happy people on the other teams who won. it SUCKED to lose in the finals, and not just lose but to play badly personally and as a team. it SUCKED to beat my friends on mischeif in the quarters, because i knew their pain. it SUCKED to know i'd have to wait another year and go through another arduous season of trying, risking, and possibly failing until i'd have the chance to redeem myself & my team.

but i am a stronger, better person for having tried. for having worked so hard. for having committed myself to a group of people i would do anything for. and for having failed. as a fortune cookie once told me, you can't appreciate success without experiencing failure.

as personal as this game is to me, it's that group of people, my team, that makes playing poorly in the final so painful. i feel like i let them down. like i had squandered this opportunity to show them how much they meant to me. i did realize, half-way through the first half or so, how much i would regret not giving it my all, and i consciously stepped it up a notch. i accepted that i was tired after 3 days of hard playing, but i knew i'd have a very hard time forgiving myself if i didn't push past the pain and discomfort and just RUN. so there is that at least.

and there is my thursday, particularly my game vs. flycoons, and my game in the semis. i played well these days/games. i was running well, cutting well, catching well, and throwing well. i had several nice grabs, a couple of nice deep cuts, and i even threw a flick or two up-field. perhaps my best tournament ever with slow white. i finally felt comfortable on O (although that pit in the bottom of my stomach on important points was still there...but maybe that never goes away), and while i played O the entire tournament, which certainly helped my focus, i felt my D on a turn was the best it's been all season.

i was pleased to discover i was not significantly slower than anyone else out there, with the possible exception of hannah on our own team. even the girls on shazaam, whom i see as a standard of former women's division players that still take the game seriously (i.e. train). i can honestly say i was being guarded by some very talented players and i more than held my own. looking back on my training and injury, i think this speaks to two things: (1) how in-shape you can stay by lifting weights & cross-training, and (2) to quote Fort Minor: concentrated power of will -- i.e. sheer determination to run fast, cut hard, get open, and above all, catch the disc.

and so, another ultimate season comes to an end. let the off-season begin, the recovery, the dreaming & wondering about "next year", the reminiscing, the regailing. let the cold wintery months fade all the wonderful memories of battles fought in sarasota and along the way. let the "real world" regain focus in my life. let me take pause once again to reflect on how lucky i am to have found this sport and this team.


*i was taken aback to learn this weekend that there are less than 30,000 registered UPA members. and probably only another couple thousand or so who understand or care about the outcome of Nationals (aka UPA Club Championships). no wonder i feel so alone when i come back to lab and feel like i can't tell people about my accomplishments in ultimate.

overload

i don't know what to think or feel right now, and i don't know where else to turn right now but to my blog. i just don't think anyone* would understand what i'm going through right now.

i was just away at two conferences. the first, last monday thru last wed, was in chevy chase, MD at the HHMI headquarters (HHMI stands for howard hughes medical institute -- basically, howard hughes started this medical institute as a tax shelter, and now it funds scientific research. i have a fellowship through them). the place was gorgeous, and the other fellows (people receiving the same or a simliar fellowship) were really cool & nice. but most of us were uncertain of our futures in science. those that weren't uncertain, knew they wanted an "alternative" career. the rest of us were basically of the mind "yeah, it's OK. it's not great. i don't know if i want this to be my life." but academia is all most of us have known to this point in our lives, so it's like peering out in the great beyond thinking about doing something else. regardless, i did leave feeling excited about science.

i was back in lab/new haven thurs & fri, then left on saturday for the gibbs meeting in carbondale, IL. enrique & i flew into St. Louis, and dave sept picked us up at the airport with his wife, Mel, and 3-year-old kid, Matthew. we all went to dinner at Schlafly Brew House, then back to his house. we got up uber-early the next day to make the 2-hour drive to carbondale in time to hear/see the keynote speaker, Jamie Williamson (who is really cool, by the way).

the conference was small as conferences go, which means ample opportunity to meet and actually get to know people. i spent a weird amount of time with faculty. got *really* good feedback on my poster. spent some nice QT with the boss, gaining some insight into what's led him to where he is today, what drives him, and what's been hard for him. we stopped by Washington University on our way back on tuesday. chatted with people there (carl frieden, timothy lohman (whom i'd met at the conference), roberto C., kathleen ?). i felt very engaged, capable, curious.

but, i need to be honest with myself. the glimpses i caught of what life in academia is like were not pretty. you don't have hobbies. you don't take vacations. you never feel caught up. you always have deadlines. your to-do list is always long. your reputation -- what others think of you -- matters. even the outwardly successful looking people struggle. there are ups and downs. etc etc etc.

yet everyone seemed happy. everyone seemed to be enjoying what they were doing, the career they had chosen. and so, i think maybe this joy people seemed to exude when talking about their work rubbed off on me, and i left feeling very excited about science.

got back late tuesday. and regionals was 3 days away. i didn't feel excited. i'd been away and sick and nursing an injury, so while i'd managed to get a couple of workouts in, i really feel unprepared in physical and mental capacity. i feel fat -- food wasn't the greatest at the gibbs conference, and i haven't been eating well since i got back. it felt out of it -- science takes up so much of your mental energy, and to be honest, it was actually kind of nice to take a "vacation" from frisbee, to not think about working out, about how out-of-shape or over-weight or under-skilled i am. for a couple of days, who i was was not defined by my physical capabilities.

i feel like science & ultimate are mutually exclusive, or at least doing both well. or maybe that's just how i am -- i have to give 100% to something, or not really do it at all. i can't multi-task and be "competitive" at something.

so, i'm not feeling too excited about regionals. and i should be. i should be completely psyched, itching to play. can't wait to run, jump, sky, D, throw, score, cheer. but i really just want to get some work done in lab. le sigh.

but i can't tell my teammates this -- blasphemy! can't tell anyone on harpoon -- they didn't make it to regionals, so it would seem like i'm taking this opportunity for granted. can't tell ann -- she's injured. can't tell rosie or cristal -- they can't be at regionals. nor hammer, 'cause i just found out she's injured (season is done, torn ligament in her shoulder), too. anyone...they just wouldn't understand. just how blasphemous this is. not being excited about regionals.

i'm fairly certain things will be fine. once i get to devens, see the vast expanse of green fields, put on my cleats, and start to throw, i will be focused. and maybe, now that i'm more excited about science, when i get back to lab on monday, and "see" the unanswered questions of my project, i'll be focused then, too.

here's to hoping everything will be alright...


*i did think of one person who might understand: shana cook (well, now mueller). she's "retired" from ultimate to focus on her career as a lawyer.