nationals: the playing

i did it. i survived another ultimate season. for some reason, this one seemed harder than years past. maybe it was because there was more on the line, because we were expecting more out of ourselves. maybe it was because more was expected of me, being on the O-line and contributing to the leadership of the team. maybe i had more invested in the outcome of the team. i was just struck, at various times over the weekend, how HARD it all is. it's a huge risk, to say, OK, i'm going to invest all this time, energy, money, reputation, into this....sport, that frankly many many people do not recognize or respect.* it would be so much easier to not do it. to stay at home, to not work out, to just go out to pick-up once in a while or maybe summer league, to not commute to practice or drive to tournaments, to not work on your throws, to just play on a team that's happy to get to regionals. to not care. to not try. to not risk failing.

because frankly, it SUCKS to not reach your goal. our goal was to win, to take first. it SUCKED losing both our games on friday, and being around the happy people on the other teams who won. it SUCKED to lose in the finals, and not just lose but to play badly personally and as a team. it SUCKED to beat my friends on mischeif in the quarters, because i knew their pain. it SUCKED to know i'd have to wait another year and go through another arduous season of trying, risking, and possibly failing until i'd have the chance to redeem myself & my team.

but i am a stronger, better person for having tried. for having worked so hard. for having committed myself to a group of people i would do anything for. and for having failed. as a fortune cookie once told me, you can't appreciate success without experiencing failure.

as personal as this game is to me, it's that group of people, my team, that makes playing poorly in the final so painful. i feel like i let them down. like i had squandered this opportunity to show them how much they meant to me. i did realize, half-way through the first half or so, how much i would regret not giving it my all, and i consciously stepped it up a notch. i accepted that i was tired after 3 days of hard playing, but i knew i'd have a very hard time forgiving myself if i didn't push past the pain and discomfort and just RUN. so there is that at least.

and there is my thursday, particularly my game vs. flycoons, and my game in the semis. i played well these days/games. i was running well, cutting well, catching well, and throwing well. i had several nice grabs, a couple of nice deep cuts, and i even threw a flick or two up-field. perhaps my best tournament ever with slow white. i finally felt comfortable on O (although that pit in the bottom of my stomach on important points was still there...but maybe that never goes away), and while i played O the entire tournament, which certainly helped my focus, i felt my D on a turn was the best it's been all season.

i was pleased to discover i was not significantly slower than anyone else out there, with the possible exception of hannah on our own team. even the girls on shazaam, whom i see as a standard of former women's division players that still take the game seriously (i.e. train). i can honestly say i was being guarded by some very talented players and i more than held my own. looking back on my training and injury, i think this speaks to two things: (1) how in-shape you can stay by lifting weights & cross-training, and (2) to quote Fort Minor: concentrated power of will -- i.e. sheer determination to run fast, cut hard, get open, and above all, catch the disc.

and so, another ultimate season comes to an end. let the off-season begin, the recovery, the dreaming & wondering about "next year", the reminiscing, the regailing. let the cold wintery months fade all the wonderful memories of battles fought in sarasota and along the way. let the "real world" regain focus in my life. let me take pause once again to reflect on how lucky i am to have found this sport and this team.


*i was taken aback to learn this weekend that there are less than 30,000 registered UPA members. and probably only another couple thousand or so who understand or care about the outcome of Nationals (aka UPA Club Championships). no wonder i feel so alone when i come back to lab and feel like i can't tell people about my accomplishments in ultimate.