it is monday night

quiet. the night is quiet. not 4am quiet, not the quiet that precedes the dawn, the stillness that comes between the activity of the latest late-nighters and the earliest early-risers. but it is still very still. i can hear the highway if i strain my ears.

it is this kind of quiet, when i want to call him. or at the very least write him. i want to reach out; i desire to feel loved. oh how much i just want that...to call. to hear his voice. to hear the love in his voice. why can't i have that? i know i can't, i shouldn't. oh.

i don't want to talk about my day. i'd rather pretend it didn't happen. it is frightening how much i do not want to write this book review. it is with a passion that i am avoiding it.

some days i just want to start over, i want to hit the "reset" button, to tear off the page from the legal pad and start afresh.

i want to blame him for all this: my sadness, my bingeing, my moods, my lack of motivation. i want to flaunt my happiness in his face. i want revenge, to inflict pain (emotional, not physical -- but really, which is worse?). lisa says maybe my emotions towards him are really hidden ones i have towards my parents; that is why they are so strong. you see, i am not scared to show him how i feel; for some reason it is acceptable to be upset towards jon but not towards my parents. i can demand that jon give me all the love and attention i need, but not my parents. i can cry in front of and be angry at jon, but not my parents. i don't know how much this is true. i guess it makes sense...i have no other explanation for why i got so upset sometimes with him...unidentifiably upset. it was not my fault though. and not his either. but what do i do about it now? do i cry in front of and get angry at my parents? i couldn't make jon change...can i make my parents change? i feel so alone right now. i just want to call him. no no no. i can't. that wouldn't be good. i know what i need to do: reach other to someone else. someone here, or a friend from somewhere else. or, occupy myself. read a book. put away my laundry.

he is starting to fade. voice is still there. but face, body, mannerisms -- they are going. the eyes are still there. they will be the last to go.

why do i torture myself thinking about him. i must keep occupied. i have things to do tomorrow and wednesday nights; thursdays are usually easy to find something to do...and oh wait, it is visiting day weekend, so there will be a party thursday night and pizza friday...

yes a large part of being happy is not thinking about certain things. not letting yourself go down those paths that lead to the ditch. even though the ditch can be quite comfortable. keep moving. don't get stuck in the mud. some are better at it than others...

to write or not to write, that is the question

fucking fuck. i just wrote a post and then clicked on a link in an e-mail and when i came back my fucking post was gone. fuck fuck fucking roommate and her dumb pictures. fuck

i guess it doesn't matter if i lost the post. what does it mean or matter, anyways? it would have been nice to have been able to look back on what i wrote...but it was good to get it out. does it's physical presence -- history of its existence, of my words, my thoughts -- make it somehow different, something more, more real, more therapeutic? it was falling on imaginary ears anyways...not meant for anyone. symbollically, yes. but really, no. oh well.

tired. sleep. forget. dream.

resume writing

is too much fun.

found a list of teacher interview questions on purdue's website.

ERG (education resources group) is coming to Yale! NAIS (national assoc of independent schools) has some good career info. they had some interesting articles on "why teach in an independet school" and some "career development" tips -- life-goals and that sort of thing. under resume tips, Lee Miller suggests the following order for an educational resume:
1. Objective
2. Education
3. Experience (Teaching, teaching-related, other work)
4. Activites/Skills: relevant to job (language, computer, leadership experience), make you look positive or interesting

now i'm getting tired.

ache

i made it through another day. notable events:

- out of bed before 10am
- went to the gym. pathetically out-of-shape, but managed full workout. ran faster than some pansy-assed undergrads on the indoor track. ha.
- left my car lights on for 2 hours while parked at the gym and car subsequently would not start. i believe i was being punished for being lazy and wussy about the wintery weather and deciding to drive instead of bike or walk.
- the tow-truck guy who came to jump my car was cute. i know something else i'd like him to jump...
- lasted for nearly 4 hours in lab -- half a day!
- only cried once
- watched "21 grams". it is only incidentally about cocaine. i thought everyone in the movie was an addict. still a very good film; excellent acting, namoi watts especially.
- didn't exactly binge tonight -- more like mindless eating of fudge while watching a movie.

it is snowing i think i may go for a walk in it later.

i think i have decided to quit grad school, at least take a year off, and go do something i will never forget: work in a national park, take a wilderness leadership course so i can then lead wilderness trips; travel; do volunteer work. i need to use my body, be outdoors, or help people -- or all three. otherwise, i will go insane. seriously, thinking about getting a job like that this summer is the only thing i seem to be able to get excited about lately. not even frisbee does it for me. don't get me wrong, frisbee's far better than lab, but it just doesn't get me as excited as it once did. maybe it's just that i haven't played in a while. we'll see. winter leagues start next week, so i'll be back in it soon enough.

appointment tomorrow, early, 9am. that will get me out of bed, at least, and then maybe i can pretend to be normal and go into lab at a reasonable hour and continue the game of make-believe and pretend that i want to be there and that i like what i'm doing. or at least figure out what i don't like about it and try to do something about that. but my goodness, that takes so much energy, and i've just been so tired lately.

ok, going to research jobs in national parks, and then maybe go for a walk in white fluffy stuff. yay.

insomnia sucks

so i can't sleep. again. i guess i should just embrace this time to do something productive -- use these hours upon hours of sleeplessness to benefit humanity in some fashion -- or at least me. i could balance my checkbook, catch up on e-mails, read a book, paint a picture, watch a movie, look at porn, do my laundry, clean the bathroom, learn a new language, research the origins of the universe -- something, anything, except stare at the wall and feel sorry for myself. or eating. that's equally bad as moping.

wish i had something more insightful to say, but i'm tired (all insomnia is not an energy-filled frenzy, oh no). i did learn something today: that i can't change people (a certain person in particular) and i have to just learn to accept that and move on. ok, so i already knew that but for some reason it really sunk in today. it really hit home, that no matter how many times i call and cry, no matter how much i hope, how hard i try, how badly i want it, this person won't change -- or at least i can't force them to become the person i need. i have to look for that elsewhere. wish this had hit home a long time ago. oh well. better later than never.

ok, i'm going to try reading, watching a movie, and drawing, in that order. wish me zzzz's...