ache

i made it through another day. notable events:

- out of bed before 10am
- went to the gym. pathetically out-of-shape, but managed full workout. ran faster than some pansy-assed undergrads on the indoor track. ha.
- left my car lights on for 2 hours while parked at the gym and car subsequently would not start. i believe i was being punished for being lazy and wussy about the wintery weather and deciding to drive instead of bike or walk.
- the tow-truck guy who came to jump my car was cute. i know something else i'd like him to jump...
- lasted for nearly 4 hours in lab -- half a day!
- only cried once
- watched "21 grams". it is only incidentally about cocaine. i thought everyone in the movie was an addict. still a very good film; excellent acting, namoi watts especially.
- didn't exactly binge tonight -- more like mindless eating of fudge while watching a movie.

it is snowing i think i may go for a walk in it later.

i think i have decided to quit grad school, at least take a year off, and go do something i will never forget: work in a national park, take a wilderness leadership course so i can then lead wilderness trips; travel; do volunteer work. i need to use my body, be outdoors, or help people -- or all three. otherwise, i will go insane. seriously, thinking about getting a job like that this summer is the only thing i seem to be able to get excited about lately. not even frisbee does it for me. don't get me wrong, frisbee's far better than lab, but it just doesn't get me as excited as it once did. maybe it's just that i haven't played in a while. we'll see. winter leagues start next week, so i'll be back in it soon enough.

appointment tomorrow, early, 9am. that will get me out of bed, at least, and then maybe i can pretend to be normal and go into lab at a reasonable hour and continue the game of make-believe and pretend that i want to be there and that i like what i'm doing. or at least figure out what i don't like about it and try to do something about that. but my goodness, that takes so much energy, and i've just been so tired lately.

ok, going to research jobs in national parks, and then maybe go for a walk in white fluffy stuff. yay.