chewed up

usually class is one weightlifting exercise or skill focus, then a moderate workout. today was one long hard workout (a 21-min AMRAP -- as many reps as possible), followed by a shorter, but still grueling workout, which was optional. i did OK in the first. had to scale / modify one of the movements, so it wasn't "Rx", but i still did well. the second workout was just gut-wrenching: as many Dumbbell Thrusters as you can do in 5 min. try doing any exercise as many times as possible in 5 minutes. it's just awful.

i was the only one in my class who opted for the second optional workout. so the coach focused his yelling at me. towards the end...i just couldn't do what he was telling me. he had been saying "it's just mental, your body can do it." then more specifically "one more rep." but i couldn't. and it felt so demoralizing. and yet, i ended up doing 22 more reps than the next closest person did that day, but i still felt like a failure. just the complete and utter exhaustion and effort and feeling like i still failed. i've felt this way in Ultimate, where you give it your all on the field and it's still not enough, and i feel this way now, in life. like i'm giving it my all, with Him and with Work, i'm TRYING, and i just CAN'T. (maybe it's mental, maybe i can. i just feel like i can't).

so the 5 minutes end, and i've push so hard, my muscles are on fire and i can't breathe, and the tears, they start coming and i can't stop them, and i go to the corner and get on my knees and put my elbows on a box and try to breathe, but i'm crying, and it becomes hyperventilating, and the coach i can tell he doesn't want to deal with this, not this, not at the end of what has to have been a long day for him, and oh god, i'm just another burden on someone, but i can't breathe. i can't calm down. the workout was cathartic and good and i'm stronger than i was before, better, a better person, i am, i am, i am becoming a better person. so many people say i am, this must be true. they are there for me, why can't i reach out to them? why can't i BREATHE?

why can't i?

recovery time

in interval training, one of the goals is to reduce the recovery time between bouts of intense exercise. one week you might go hard for 60 sec, or 400 m, and then rest 2:00. the next week, you might reduce your rest to 1:30, then 1:00. decrease your recovery time, increase your fitness.

one of my proudest post-D day moments, was not walking with my head held high, or navigating a difficult time without showing the slightest emotion. no, it was falling apart, unexpectedly, but putting myself back together in under a minute. 

it was the 8am CrossFit class on a Sunday. i'd had a good night the night before, and was having a good morning. i don't love working out in the mornings -- i feel stronger in the evenings -- but i do like the sense of accomplishment and energy an AM workout provides. so I push through the weakness and light-headedness on the weekends.

a guy, let's call him A, showed up at the class. our schedules don't normally overlap, so i wasn't expecting to see him. A is also a realtor, and had agreed to stop by the house to give his opinion on its value. that was planned for Monday. 

Saturday had actually been more precarious than i was perhaps admitting at the time. in the afternoon Andy & I met to begin divvying up possessions. and while that went well -- amicably, even jovially -- the exercise was deeply sad on a basic level, and it got to me after a while. the evening had been nice enough -- dinner with LD and Gronk. but at the bar after dinner, we ran into an old Fairfield ultimate guy, who brought Andy up -- not knowing my relationship with him -- and said, "He's a nice guy." i didn't correct him.

the first part of the workout usually isn't that intense, but today it was. It was an EMOM of heavy cleans, rope climbs, and burpees. i was already feeling light-headed, and in warming up my clean, i mis-calculated the weight, thought i was lifting 10# less than i was, and was frustrated with not feeling strong. the clock gets start, i do my first clean, i feel lightheaded, the coach gives me some feedback, i get frustrated, and start crying / hyper-ventilating. the coach has me sit down on a box, and i think "well this workout is over". but some part of me says, "No. I have 40 sec to do another clean." and i take a few deep breaths, get my shit together, and hit another clean.

to go from hysterical, to cleaning over 100# in under 60 sec is pretty damn impressive.

i'm proud of this because shit's not going to be perfect. i am going to get upset unexpectedly. something unexpected is going to set me off, and i'm going to have to figure out how to re-compose myself quickly. and that's what i did.

this skill came in handy during our first "real" session with the mediator today. she was trying to take a step back from the details of the financial negotiations, to understand over-arching goals and motivations, so the conversation took an emotional turn. i was trying to explain why i felt getting paid back was fair; the affair came up; and i think the honeymoon and how he'd already been cheating on me at that point. why did you marry her if she had emotionally abandoned you? i sense uncertainty; are you sure you want to divorce? Andy saying what i did to his was irrevocable; thinking about Her. i started to get upset, and excused myself to go to the bathroom. by the time i got there, i was already starting to calm down. rapid recovery time, saving me again.