Infinite Intensity

I asked for and received a fitness/training book called "Infinite Intensity" for christmas. The subtitle is "The ultimate low-tech / high-effect program for maximum speed, endurance, and strength." Sweet. It's by this dude named Ross Enamit, a combat athlete and really scary-looking dude. He has built his own dumbbells and referes to "the Iron" as if it were a living, breathing human being. The book is geared toward "fighters", but there is still much an Ultimate player can take from it.

When Enamit makes a claim about how a certain practice impacts performance, or what exactly weight lifting does to the cellular structure of your muscles, he includes a reference. This alone makes makes the book worthwhile. But quality of information aside, the book is awesome for the flippant phrases Enamit saves for bodybuilders, uninformed strength coaches, and the lazy among us reading his book. Some of the exercises, being geared toward combat athletes, are also amusing to contemplate.

I've copied below some of the more hilarious passages. Enjoy.


"The concept of trying was created to rationalize failure...Let's flush this mindset down the toilet."

"Looks will not get you anywhere on the battlefield."

"Ignorance is dangerous. The iron is not." (in regards to whether or not weight-lifting is dangerous.

"Lift the iron. Throw the iron. Carry the iron."

"Stop making excuses and start pressing those dumbbells!"

"Our next movement, the dumbbell shot put, will generate some unusual looks from the neighborhood soccer moms."

"The average gym member is only concerned with how he looks with his shrit off. Consequently, the legs are forgotten. Big mistake!"

"Find time for hamstring training!"

"Before we begin, let's smash this myth to pieces with a sledgehammer."

"Let's face it, certain athletes have peanuts for kahoonas."

"Maximize your time and minimize the bullshit."

"Use the five-minute heavy bag session as a finisher...Punish the bag as if it stole something from you."

"One last benefit of heavy bag training is the fun factor. Let's face it, there are few training drills as enjoyable as punching a bag. If I had to chose between running or beating the shit out of a heavy bag, I'll chose my heavy bag every time."

"In the illustration above, I am swinging the sledgehammer into an old tractor tire."

"I've seen man posers walk into the boxing gym. After a few rounds of sparring, they have a face to face with the canvas floor, courtesy of a well placed left hook to the midsection."

"Would an architect build a high-rise building without a plan? Of course not! You must become the architect of your body."

"If you believe this statement, you should look into new hobbies such as basket weaving or crochet."

"I once worked with an athlete who was unsure of the pace he should run during the 200 meter interval. I was fortunate to have my roadwork assistant with me. My assistant Tank, an American Pit Bull Terrier, was happy to lend a hand (or paw). I told the athlete to run as if Tank was chasing him down. I let him start the interval session 5 secons of Tank. I then follwed him with Tank on the leash in hot pursuit. The leash was necessary to prevent any potential lawsuits. The athlete quickly learned two valuable lessons. First, always run fast when a pit bull is chasing you. Second, run shorter distance intervals at top speed."

Landmark Forum

don't have time to re-hash my thought on the Landmark Forum, which I attended this past weekend in Quincy, MA (pronounced "quin-zee" and not "quin-see"). so here is an excerpt from the e-mail i wrote to my sister about it:

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so. my weekend. my weekend was spent in a room with 74 other people, trying to desparately to be "transformed". because that's what we were promised, for $425. transformation. tools to live our lives with more satisfaction, more happiness, more good stuff. but we soon learned that solutions to problems present new problems, and that language like "more, better, different" are not what the Forum is about. and that we should expect to be on a roller coaster ride.

back up a step. i registered for the Forum because my roommate, edwin, is totally gung-ho about the Landmark Curriculum. the Forum is the first of 3 courses; he is in the 3rd and is also training to be a "Leader". whatever that means. the Forum is 3 long, full days (9am - 10pm) over the weekend (Friday, Sat, Sun) plus a 3-hour session on Tuesday night (tonight). we are told we will have breakthroughs. who couldn't use a breakthrough? i'm unproductive as shit in lab, i can't eat right, and i've really only dated one guy in my life and that ended disasterously. what do i have to lose (other than $425)?

let me introduce you to the forum leaders. Roger is a 62-year-old former pilot who has been leading forums for 28 years. we also come to learn that he is a vietnam veteran, has survived cancer (prostrate), has run the boston marathon something like 8 times, and was hit by a car and nearly died. his head is disturbingly too small for his body. or his body is just too large for his...no, his head is definitely too small for his body. his neck just becomes his head. and he is missing his left shoulder. i'm not sure how it's possible to be missing a shoulder, but he is. his face is all pinched -- it has to be to fit on his too-small head. roger is charismatic and mean.

Will is british. probably around 35 years old, but he could be older and just have a baby face. he is also a former pilot. it appears that he is a Forum Leader in training, because he does less of the talking and when he is talking, Roger interrupts him, sometimes meanly. when will is not talking (they are both usually up on stage, in directors' chairs, consulting a binder full of notes on a music stand), he is looking out at the audience, and when he does this, he reminds me of one of those Chuck-E-Cheese animatrons -- eyes unblinking, head turnings slowly yet deliberately, pausing for too long before turning his head to look at another part of the audience, fake half-smile stuck on his face. i try not to make eye contact with Will when he does this. we learn that he is divorced, and brought hte Landmark Forum to Belfast, which seems to be a big deal for some reason. as we get to know Will over the weekend (as he reads less from the binder and does more impromptu story-telling), his crazy British sense of humor becomes apparent, and he becomes real. he is funny.

there are all kinds of people in the Forum with me. a 38-year-old woman who is concerned that she isn't married with children yet. a 3rd-year graduate student who hates her program and wants to quit. a man with 3 children with 3 different woman wanting to be a better father. an over-weight menopausal woman who hasn't spoken to her sister in 13 years. a big, beefy guy afraid to confront his feelings. an old woman who is afraid of talking to and loving her daughter-in-law. a skeptical irish guy named Willie. two deaf women, one whose parents never learned sign language. i could go on. most of us are aware of the disfunctioning of our lives; some people aren't. some people are not sure why they're here. we are all unsure of what we're going to get.

the course begins. we are told we make up stories about what happens to us in our lives. someone looks at us funny -- they must hate us. my boss hasn't talked to me today -- he must be angry at me. we acsribe meaning to these happenings. when really, they have no meaning. we make up stories for other people about what their words or actions mean. maybe that guy just had gas, and maybe our boss is just stressed out and busy and is actually feeling guilty for not talking to you. but the point that the forum tries to drive home is that events, happenings HAVE NO MEANING. they are meaningless.

we are asked to examine times in our lives and people with whom we've been "inauthentic". (one quickly picks up on the fact that the Forum has its own language, and you'd better pick up on it quick if you're going to "get" what the hell it is they're talking about.) "authentic" loosely means: genuine, honest with yourself about who you are being. so "inauthentic" means you've been telling yourself a story (lie) about how you've been being. ("being" is another part of the Forum's vocabulary.) i come to realize i've been "inauthentic" with dad. i've been blaming him and his alcoholism for many if not all of my shortcomings -- for my faults, for what i can't accomplish, for why i'm inproductive in lab, for the weight i've gained since high school, for my fear of intimacy, etc etc. he pushed me hard in school and especially in running, and i took this to mean that he never thought i was good enough. i carry that with me today.

friday night our assignment (yes, after a 13-hour day, we have homework!) is to write a letter to someone with whom we've been inauthentic. i write Dad a letter, describing my realization. the next day, we are asked who would like to share our letter with the group. i raise my hand. i hadn't gotten emotional while writing the letter, but when i got up in front of everyone and starting reading it, i lose it. i start crying. i can't talk. wow. it finally hits me just how much i've been shutting dad out of my life. i haven't let myself love or be loved by him because i'm afraid of being hurt, of not being good enough, of not getting loved in return. i tearfully finish my letter (which was really sappy, btw), and Roger "coaches" me to call him during the next break. Yeah, right! i think, but i sit down. and think about it.

and somehow come to call home during the next break. my heart is pounding. i have the letter in front of me. i haven't even started to read the letter to dad and i start crying. i say, "I haven't been open to loving and being loved by you". he says, "oh no, you've been open." i say, "no. i think i've been putting a wall between us, not sharing." he says, "oh no, you've been sharing." i say, "no i've been blaming your alcoholism for all my faults". he says, "Oh no, you haven't been blaming me." he doesn't get that this phone call isn't about *him*, isn't about me trying to apologize for how this has impacted *him* -- it's about how this has impacted *me*, and for me to let go of it and get over it, i need to tell him and apologize. i acknowledge him for being a parent -- he did the best i could do, he expected a lot from me, and i turned out pretty good (we were supposed to do that). he said, "well, 90% of that was mom." when i was done, he did say thanks and that he appreciated the phone call. then we degenerated into chit-caht, but he did also say that "openness" hasn't been a problem for "the girls" (you and me), but that he thinks/is concerned that openness has been a problem with/for theran, since he was present and involved with more of dad's drinking than you or i. (he thinks you're open!)

i hung up, and cried some more. i was promised a miracle! i thought. my dad didn't even listen to me! he was supposed to become enlightened just like me! instead he started asking me about my anemia / iron levels! i realized that that was dad's way of saying he cared and was thinking about and was concerned with me. and that i couldn't change that aobut him, and that i had to accept that and not expect more. i can still be as loving and touchy-feely as a i want -- i just can't expect that in return. he a "teflon" dad, as my therapist puts it. you try to be profound, to go beneath the surface, and he resists, like teflon resists water and oil.

so that was my breakthrough and it happened early saturday morning. i did feel like a weight had been lifted, but i was waiting for the next breakthrough. for the next day and a half, they badgered us into calling everyone we could think of tell them about the forum and get them to come down tuesday night (when we can bring guests...and guess what? they try to get them to sign up for the Forum). it seemed like this huge pyramid scheme and markeing ploy to me. and the worst part is, they only "guaranteed" results if you were "unreasonable" and called up people and insisted they be here tuesday night. they said to say it was really important to you that these various people in your life were present. except i couldn't in good faith say that. i coudln't say to dad "It's really important to me you be here." they said to not make excuses, like my parents live in wisconsin and have to work. that's just a racket (another Forum-ism, which is a way of being plus a complaint that keeps us right, dominant, justified, or victorious -- and which allows us to avoid responsibility, and costs us love and vitality and self-expression). but it wasn't important to me. it's important to me that dad loves me and supports me, but i don't see coming to the Forum introduction as exclusively indicative of that.

so i sat through the rest of sat and most of sunday annoyed with all the marketing going on, all the pushing to call people. part of my annoyance was the feeling that i was "doing it wrong". that i was being disobedient by not calling anyone. i wasn't doing my homework! the horror! but how could i sell a product i didn't believe in?

i had invited this woman deb to share my hotel room saturday night. she lived in providence, a good hour's drive away, and i felt like i could spend time outside the forum with her. she shared my healthy skepticism yet willingness to give the forum a shot. we were both in the same place saturday night. not convinced, but still hopeful for tomorrow.

they saved the punchline for sunday afternoon. which is this: life is empty and meaningless, and it's empty and meaningless that it's empty and meaningless. very existential. i think they even quoted Sartre. but what sartre didn't get, they said, was that this emptyness, this nothingness, creates space for us to create who we want to be. this got very deep, very philosophical, very ontological (look it up -- i didn't know what that meant before this weekend, but it describes this part to a T). we create with our word, we create by declaration. we invent "possibilities" of how to be, and these possibilities call us into being. and these ways of being call us into action. it's very present-based. our stories are in the past, but we live into them; they define our future. we are always striving for something we will never have, a place we will never arrive at. once i lose weight, i'll be happy. once i meet the right person. once i get a "real" job. once i figure out what it is i want to do with my life. etc etc. but if instead, we focus on how we are being in the present, we will feel more powerful, more effective, less stressed. instead of worrying about being productive in lab and about eating and about dad, if i "create" the "possibility" of being responsible, passionate, and loving, those things take care of themselves. by being resonsible, passionate, and loving, i am called into action: productive in lab, excited about exercising and eating healthfully, not afraid of expressing myself with Dad.

this makes sense, at some level. and there is something to take from it, i think. if we see everything as empty and meaningless, suddenly nothing is a big deal. i didn't go into lab today. oh well, it's empty and meaningless. i wasn't popular in high school. oh well, it's empty and meaningless. it's liberating. but it's also very tiring and can be depressing to constantly remind yourself that everything is empty and meaningless.

the last bit of sunday night was about choosing. they made a distinction between choosing and deciding. deciding is when you select because of a reason; choosing is when you select freely after considerations -- essentially you choose because you choose. (there were a lot of circular definitions in the Forum, which irked me to no end.) which in some ways was liberating for me: oh god, which shampoo should i use? instead of making up some reason "well, i should this was is almost gone, i should really use it up," i think about which one i want, and then i choose it because i choose it. this frees the choice from guilt, empowers you instead of the reason. blah blah. it's also powerful when you have no choice. i choose dad the way he is because i choose dad the way he is. i have no choice; i can't change him, i have to accept him the way he is, but i also actively choose him the way he is. semantics, yes. but interesting and perhaps useful.

this is all well and good, but the problem with the Forum is that you can't argue with it. because conveniently, your resistance to or questioning of anything they say is construed as a Racket (you having to be right), or one of your Strong Suits (a strong suit is a quality you adopted in response to a traumatic event in your life -- you were made fun of in school; you became careful or super smart or witty or compassionate). they state that nothing they say is the truth; it's not right, it's not wrong -- but yet you can't call it untrue. very frustrating for the scientist in me, being of a curious and analytical nature.


so, that was my insanely intense weekend. and it's not over yet -- i have the 3-hour session tonight, and all i want to do is sleep right now. but i made a "committment" to be there, to see the Forum through to the end. and i'm dragging my friend and former roommate Yvonne along (she is interested in seeing what it's all about, since she dated Edwin briefly and has heard all about Landmark education), so at least i'll have company for the ride. this e-mail was much longer than intended for it to be, but it was good for me to sort this all out. i did get something out of the Forum, but it is really just applying a particular philosophical view to life, and i can't be convinced to adopt it as True. maybe you think i'm silly for spending $425 on a self-help seminar, but what can i say: i'm gullible and i was vulnerable.

catharsis

i feel like i need to purge australia still...i never blogged about the non-frisbee stuff, which is what i need catharsis from. it feels like there is this poison still in me, and i'm not sure how best to cleanse my system.

things were fine up until about thursday of the second week. first week was spent in sydney with frank, hammer, kris, miles, & steve. i was getting a little sick of some people by the end, but it was manageable. shared a room at the hotel in perth with frank, hammer, and steve, and began to become aware of feeling excluded from them. steve flirts with hammer, frank flirts with hammer, no one flirts with me. i guess "flirt" maybe isn't the best word for it. gives physical attention to, is a better description. anyways, i was aware of it. i became sensitive to them getting "sick" of me. was i being annoying? too controlling? too bossy? too moody? too clingy? too needy? was i tagging along too much? did they hate me? that sort of thing. very reminiscent of grade school through high school, when i didn't have a stable group of friends and so was acutely aware of how i was being received by others.

but things weren't bad until later in the second week. and then ben complicated things. met him saturday. flirted with him until tuesday night, when he came back to the hotel with me. hammer was not happy with me the next day, but was able to get over whatever it was that was bothering her, and we were back to being friends by the end of wednesday. around thursday or friday, it become apparent to me that ben was not interested in hooking up with me again, and in fact was avoiding me. it was hard to accept this and go through this -- especially while still hanging around him and his team, and watching him interact very closely with other women. including lauren casey and later, hammer.

hammer claims that she was not flirting with him -- just getting to know him since she wasn't able to earlier in the week. (apparently he told her she was "trouble" and would pass messages to her through other people so he didn't have to talk to her directly...wtf?) the problem is, it's hard to know when hammer is just "getting to know" someone vs. flirting with them, since her default interaction with someone of the opposite sex is flirtation. this was monday after the tournament (beginning the 3rd week), when we were all hanging out at the beach. it bothered me that she then later tried to absolve herself of this, and purported to have some sort of understanding into his psyche. as if she had gotten to know him so well in the past 4 hours that she could now explain him to me.

further, the night before, she managed to weasel herself into sharing a bed with McT -- another guy picking up with Brass Monkey -- while getting me to believe, or at least accept, that it was for the best i try not to sleep with ben. she claims there was nothing going on between her and McT -- he was 36 afterall, and she only 22. but the next day, he was hugging and kissing her in this weird date-y way.

it bothers me that she can do this. that she can get away with this: flirting with nearly any guy she chooses, and getting a response, the response she wants. she is cute. she is petite. she is skinny. she is good at ultimate. she dresses like a girl and wears jewelry and does her hair. all this bothers me, because she is what i want to be, and she has what i want. i am jealous. she is competition.

but usually i am OK with all of this, because she will be my friend. she will confide in me, choose to spend time with me, tell me things, get excited about things i am excited about. but she wasn't doing that after the tourney, because lauren was there. and she is apparently really good friends with lauren -- better friend with her than with me, or so it seemed to me.

i don't know what to do about this. should i say something to her? stay angry in my silence and wait for her to initiate contact and hope by then that i am over this? or should i say nothing, and quietly accept that our friendship is forever altered, changed for the worse, and will never be the same. or should i say something, give her a chance to redeem herself -- give her a choice of saving our friendship. but really isn't "saving" our friendship up to me, since i am the one with the problem? so then it comes down to what i need to do to forgive her.

i also need to examine why this experience has been so persistent in staying with me. i've still been dreaming about australia and what went on there. i need to forgive myself for what happened with ben; i behaved in an understandable manner given the circumstances. i should not feel stupid. i can feel angry at him, but i should not blame myself. above all, i should treat this as a learning experience -- i.e. next time, what would i do differently?

as for hammer and my feelings regarding our friendship...i don't know. i don't like what it says about me. to view it in a positive light, this trip has shed led on the qualities i would like to change in myself. which is never a bad thing -- learning more about yourself.

a trip of self-discovery, then! i may not have liked everything that i found, but that's life, and that's OK. however, i should keep in mind that i exhibited many admirable qualities during the trip: taking care of miles (and cleaning up his puke) the night he got sick, making sure kat gome home ASAP when she wasn't feeling well, being there for steve when he needed advice about his girl, sitting with my team (miller, greytak, miles, sean) instead of brass monkey at dinner, comforting kris when she was upset over being injured, listening to fi when she was having guy issues (again), and countless other instances of soldering new and old friendships. i guess i'm not such a bad person afterall :)