aaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHge

my old roommate, whom i loved living with and who loved living with me, said that he never experienced "aahge" (not sure of the spelling) while living with me. "aahge" is best described as a combination of feelings that cause you to feel rage and that make you want to yell "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" aaahhh! + rage = aaahge.

i am feeling aaahhhge tonight, and i'm not sure why. i think i want someone to tell me what to do. tell me if i should do more experiments for my paper or just continue writing with what i have. tell me what i should do about ultimate this upcoming season -- who to play with, how to train, what tournaments to go to, etc. tell me how to get to Fools Fest and who i should try to see while down there. tell me if i'm cut out to be a professor, or if i should give up and start looking for a nice 9-to-5 job now. tell me if i'm deluding myself thinking that there is such a thing as a "9-to-5" job. tell me if i'm ever going to meet that someone special, and if so, when and where to look for him. tell me what to eat, when, and in what quantities. i don't want to worry, make decisions, and i definitely don't want to worry about making the wrong decisions.

there is always shit to do, and sometimes it feels manageable and other times it feels out of control. right now, it feels out of control. i had like 10 things on my to-do list today. and i did one (1) of them. sigh. they all feel urgent, too. and there were more, others. gah.

i'm aaahge-ing (yes, it can be used in verb form as well) over edwin, too. saw him and sierra briefly today; they were leaving as i was coming from the apartment. they'd been out throwing in the nice weather. got to chatting about winter league...our team's strategy...which is basically edwin huck to bryan and vice versa, repeat. i'd picked up on that in our last game. and it frustrated me, when it wasn't working. because i am usually backed by 10 yards and so (a) am really open underneath and (b) can't get upon deep easily. so i feel ineffective when all edwin does is look for the deep shot. but what can i say to him? i feel like hucking it gives him control and feeds his ego, but really my complaint is that i'm not participating enough when they rely on that strategy. so then it comes down to my ego vs. his. although i think i may have an argument that it's not using the other members of the team effectively, and that when it's not on, it's very frustrating and a waste of our energy. we'll see how tomorrow's game goes...

hmmm, what else? i am still sad about edwin and sierra. i know i should be happy for both of them, and i am on some level. but it really just makes me sad. like, where is my "person" -- the one i'll spend every waking hour with? it all makes me feel lonely, ugly, unlovable. blah. and jealous. i hate being jealous, but i am. i'm jealous of their companionship, their happiness. happy, i should be happy for them. happy happy happy!

grrrr. oh, and i can't sleep. again. i know it's early, but i'm still sick and so uber-tired, and i tried to go to bed early (at 9). but couldn't fall asleep to got up to express my AHHHHHHge.