Team USA

I was aware of some dim chatter a couple of months ago about how the UPA should hold try-outs for choosing Team USA this year, instead of simply hand-selecting the team as they did in 2005.  The Huddle posted a Feature about it, but timing -- it appeared just before Club Championships -- prevented it from attracting my attention.  Later, Chicken was chirping in my ear about, how he was going to apply to try-out, if they did indeed hold try-outs.  It was his talk that got me thinking, dreaming...would I even stand a chance at getting invited to try-out?

Well, once in a while, dreams line up with reality.

An e-mail went out in late December to team captains, asking them to pass along the application link for Team USA.  I dutifully clicked "Forward"... and then decided to indulge my fantasy and took a closer look at the whole thing.  

The application was lengthy: Who have you played for?  How have they done?  What is your role on & off the field?  What are your strengths?  Weaknesses?  What does Spirit mean to you?  etc etc.   The process would be costly: Participants are to fly themselves to the try-out weekend; pay a $125 try-out camp fee; and find housing & transportation on their own.  But the experience...priceless.  I decided I had nothing to lose, except a little dignity from the person who read my application and got a good chuckle out of it.

The list of try-outs was to be announced Jan 22.  The problem is, the UPA is based in Boulder, CO -- in Mountain Standard Time, and I live in Eastern Standard Time.  So when I left lab & internet access for the day around 6pm, they still hadn't made any announcement.  I decided I would simply check in the morning, and headed to the gym, from which I went straight to Annika's 30th b-day party.

I wished her a happy birthday upon entering; she countered with a congratulations.  I stared at her, befuddled.  She said, "Oh.  You haven't heard yet.  You'd better go find Chicken."  I looked around for him, and finally caught his eye.  He smiled.  I said, "So?"  He said, "Yeah."  And we did a shot. (He's been invited to try-out, too -- although he's probably less surprised and nervous than I.)

Despite my excitement, I was immediately nervous and became moreso when I finally looked at the list of who else had been invited.  The way I describe it to non-Ultimate players is that this list contains the Michael Jordans, the Mia Hamms, the Sidney Crosby's of Ultimate...and me.  I don't feel like I belong.  I am afraid of making a fool of myself.

I can think of several reasons why I was invited to try-out -- of why this is a clear oversight and gross mistake on the part of the UPA.  First and foremost, I play Mixed.  They wanted to throw the Mixed Division a couple of bones, give us some representation at try-outs so we don't complain too loudly.  And I was one of few Mixed players deluded enough to think I had a chance.  Secondly, you had to apply to be invited -- it wasn't like they actually knew who I was and sought me out.  The application process itself was likely self-selecting, detering very talented but extremely busy players from putting their name in the mix.  The numbers posted to the website indicate that 51 females applied and 35 were invited.  So really, I'm only better than 16 other women.  Thirdly...don't they mean the *other* Kendra Frederick??

Then I stop and think that my first line of reasoning demeans the other mixed players invited to try-out. James Kennedy & Sarah Megyesi from Flycoons; the Smith brothers from Mischief; Raha from AMP; and Slow White's very own Miller, Adrienne & Rusty.  (Teddy & Lauren Casey could be added to this list but they now play for very successful single-gender teams, so aren't "pure" Mixed players).   And then I realize that a lot of the other players probably aren't thinking they are better than only 16 other players (or 40 for the men).  They're probably thinking that they are one of the top 35 (or 45) players in the country.

This takes me away from the edge, but not off the cliff, of complete nervous breakdown.  I recognize that I've contributed to Slow White's success, and that Slow White has been successful. I can hesistantly admit I'm good...but still don't believe I'm *that* good.

But, I've decided to make the most of this.  I am proud of myself for applying in the first place.  As I said, there were a lot of people who probalby didn't even bother to apply, so initiative is one thing I've got going for me.  I've always wondered how I'd stack up in Women's; this will be chance to play against the best women in Ultimate on "my turf" -- Mixed. The experience will undoubtedly open my eyes to another level of the game and what I can continue to work on. It's motivating unlike nothing else, so I'll be in great shape going into the season.  And this finally gives legitimacy to my playing Ultimate (and dedicating so much time & energy to it) in the eyes of the non-Ultimate players in my life -- people in lab, my family, etc. 

I have two goals for the try-out: (1) Do one good thing.  One nice D, one nice catch, one nice throw.  Any of the above.  One.  (2) Have the most fun out of anyone there.  Fuck being nervous.  Fuck being shy.  Fuck worrying or getting in my own head.   I play Ultimate to have fun, and fun is what I will be having. 

I am not going to let it go to my head, nor will I let it get in my head.  The chance to try-out doesn't suddenly mean that I am a perfect Ultimate player who doesn't make mistakes. I can still take chances, push myself to grow & learn -- and mistakes are a part of that process.  I will allow myself this.  I can't let myself get bogged down in what other people think, "She made it?!  If she made it, I could have made it.  I just didn't bother applying."  "She got invited to try-out for Team USA and she can't even throw flick?!"  Yeah.  Let's just not go there.