i'll be OK

(cue Aesop Rock...)

it hit me today...finally, and completely, that i'll be OK.  one would think that a feeling of peace would have accompanied this realization.  but instead of contentment, i felt a precarious anxiety, an apprehensive resignment.  like walking on thin ice, wondering when or if i'll break through.  cranking the jack-in-the-box, anticipating its sudden explosion.  trying to blow up a balloon to its maximum size, but fearing that it'll burst from being over-filled. 

because even though i know i'll be OK, i still don't know what this entails, what my future has in store for me -- will i get what i want? or at least, what i think i want right now?  i'm left in a state of limbo -- bracing for excitement or disappointment, for either extreme.

but that's OK. i can take care of myself. i will find a way to survive -- and maybe even thrive. and i have enough sure-things to look forward to in the meantime, to distract me from thinking about my big bad scary future.