coping by planning

merritt and i have been throwing once a week for a while now. it's been great practice, and great to have someone to throw with. throwing is weird for me...i'm so self-conscious about my flick, there are few people with whom i feel comfortable really practicing throwing -- not being afraid to try new grips, release points, angles, follow-thrus, etc. so it's been great throwing with her. not to mention she's become a good friend. i can talk to her about many things, and she understands.

so i was a bit devastated when she told me she wasn't going to continue to try-out for Slow White. we are more of a commitment than she's looking for, given her busy schedule already being a 3rd year med student -- and deciding to do an away rotation at UCSF probably set her over the edge. to my even greater dismay, she said she was considering playing with Tandem at Mixed Easterns. le sigh. alternatively, she is also considering the CT women's team. i think i'll push her towards that :)

rather than confront her about this, or even acknowledging my reaction towards this upsetting news, i threw myself into throwing. the wind was gusty at first, as a storm was approaching. it passed quickly and we continued to throw, but now the residual rain and wet ground offered me a new challenge to focus on: a wet, slippery disc. back at home, i put the finishing touches on a chicken roast, and after that was in the oven, whipped together a dinner of left-overs cooked in a fresh way. i watched the Ultimate Fitness DVD while eating, taking mental notes for my next morning's workout of speed & agility drills.

when i finally took a moment to not be distracted by food or frisbee, i realized i was pretty sad about merritt's decision. but i wasn't letting it get to me. i forged ahead focusing on the aspects of my life i could control: my eating, my training, my planning. scratch that -- i wasn't even let myself feel it. i can be sad; it is a sad thing. my good friend, who is a great frisbee player, had decided to not play on my team -- on the team that i am captaining this year, and stressing out about recruiting players for. indeed, this is a sad moment.

i do this. i get busy, so i don't have time to feel. but then it catches up with me. that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is not right. and this had adverse effects on my physical and mental health.

with regards to this incident, i don't think there are any deeper motivations behind merritt's choice -- and in fact, requiring too much commitment is probably the best reason for someone to cite why they don't want to play on your team. i really hope that it's not that she found us unfocused, lacking in on-field organization, or just plain not good enough. commitment makes sense. i'll go with that.

in a sense, focusing on what you can control isn't a bad thing, not inherently unhealthy in itself. but if it's what you immediately turn to, i think that's where it becomes a dangerous coping mechanism. because there are so few things you can control in this world...and i know all too well what happens when you try to over-control them...or fail at controlling them, thereby giving yourself reason to beat yourself up...

lessons learned: slow down enough to feel. feeling is OK, good, healthy, human. cope: write, talk, cry, think, analyze, conclude. then, and only then, should i distract myself by planning, plotting, or scheming to control the tractable parts of my life.