intimacy

heard this on NPR the other morning and found it interesting. took some effort to track it down, so copied it here to find it more easily in the future...


http://www.wshu.org/news/story.php?ID=5974

Commentary: Intimacy

Betsy Stone
Stamford, CT August 26, 2008

One of the things I have learned after years of doing therapy, and living, is that intimacy cannot happen in relationships without pain. It surprises patients all the time, as they hope for and expect to have perfect intimate relationships. But one of the requirements of intimacy is the openness to pain.

Trust me, I'm not talking about physical pain. There's no place for physical pain in relationships, at least past childbirth. But emotional pain happens in ALL intimate relationships, and I think we should stop pretending it doesn't.

There's pain in the disapproval of a parent, and when your child says I hate you. There's pain in the criticism of your spouse and your best friend's doubts. And there's pain when a relationship ends through death. There's pain when you move for your partner's job and when your sibling says you're dumb.

I don't think there are pain-free relationships, but I don't think that it's pain that distinguishes good relationships. I think that important relationships are the ones where the relationship outweighs the pain. The ones where I nurse you through an illness, or tolerate your idiosyncrasies or visit the in-laws who don't like me...because I value YOU.

Many years ago, I realized that most people in healthy relationships fight, because fighting is simply a way we increase intimacy. The important distinction is between the relationships we return to after fighting and those we leave.

So intimacy demands that I be vulnerable to your criticism, and that you care for my vulnerability. That we honor each other's pain. And that we do as little damage as possible. And that we are willing to tell each other the truth, even when it hurts.