quiet breeds discontent

a rare quiet evening.

sitting on the couch, the one i don't think needs replacing. starting at the dark TV, the one i didn't think needed to be so wide-screen or high-def (and thus expensive). clutching my phone, the one that needs to be fixed or replaced, but i am too lazy/cheap/indecisive to do so. ignoring the carpet that needs vacuuming, the enabling purchase another one i am procrastinating.

lately i've been thinking:
"so this is it?"

and struggling with:
materialism

and lacking:
conviction

the view on this road is great, but i'm fast approaching a blind curve and all i can think about is what's around the bend. does the view get better? does the road lead straight off a cliff? i think my greatest fear is it's the same(1). and this is it. i might as well stop driving/running/breathing and just let the scenery scroll past me in the background, the wind blow into my lungs. it would be easier to simply be still, you know.

i'm trying to diet and i was hoping things would be easier by now (day 14). the cravings, the hunger -- aren't they supposed to abate? the meal-planning, the food shopping, the preparation, cooking...necessities for a healthier lifestyle! but oh so time-consuming. sometimes it is uplifting, that i can do this (not eat breadstuff). other times i am reminded that manipulating my diet is one way i attempt to gain a (false?) sense of control over my life. because that road i'm on? i don't always feel like i'm the driver.

[my recurring nightmare is one in which i'm behind the wheel of a car whose breaks don't function properly. i press and i stomp and i lurch and i veer but control of the vehicle is just outside my grasp. i can feel the anxiety now, just thinking about it. who or what am i afraid of hurting in these dreams? myself? my passengers? innocent bystanders? or i am driving my parents' car (e.g.) and i don't want them to know i lost control?]

not as many blog posts these days, because quiet nights on the couch are fewer and farther between. job, relationship, hobby, diet...they occupy physical and mental time-space. (just imagine kids! is there any time-space left?)

i feel overwhelmed by my possessions frequently, because i cannot categorize or organize or arrange/store them to my liking. my analytically-minded liking. everything must go into a box, and a box onto a shelf, accessibility determined by frequency of use. i should just throw things away, because i can't find them even when that rainy day comes and i need them.

but the person i live with doesn't feel that way and i don't feel strongly enough about this (or many things, in fact) to convince them to do it my way. cable, movie channels, how many boxes of crap to keep and where to put them all, kitty litter brand, when the dishes get done, whose turn it is to take out the garbage (or how full it needs to be before it gets taken out)...conceding is often easier than the conversation/argument. because i am sick of feeling crazy.

i need conviction(s). rules to live by. so i know what to stand up for (spend less money on things!) and what to concede on (kitty litter brand). so i feel less crazy.

although, a rule is currently guiding my dietary habits, and look how well that's going for me (almost too hungry to write a logical conclusion).

(1) or that the scenery gradually declines, changes so subtly, you've driven hundreds or thousands of miles before you notice. i'd prefer the drama of a cliff, thank you.